Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Willow

Name: Willow Cross

Title/Genre: Inheritance-YA Urban fantasy

When Sarah received her inheritance, she didn't realize her true gift would come on her 18th birthday with the full moon.

Bang, clang, bang reverberated up the basement stairs and throughout the house. Sarah had already attempted to finish her homework in every room available, but the volume of noise remained equal in each. At least the kitchen table offered usable workspace.

Every so often a swoosh and tick tick tick from the portable welder would interrupt the clatter of metal being pounded into place. Then the bangs would begin again.

She took a sip of coffee and sat her cup on the kitchen table harder than she normally would have. Hot liquid sloshed over the sides and pooled under the blank sheet of paper that was supposed to have been an essay on slavery in the modern world. “Crap.” The bright yellow kitchen walls with sunflowers bordering the top didn't even come close to matching her mood. She stared at the mess on the table as the banging continued.

For the umpteenth time that afternoon, she wondered what Aunt Edna would have done in this situation. Sure they'd never met, but it would've been nice to have a grownup's perspective. A scowl crossed her face as she thought of what that last set of foster parents would have done. Jason would already be in an institution somewhere. If not in jail.

She sighed and grabbed a paper towel. Grownups were usually more trouble than they were worth. Besides, seventeen was pretty darn close to grown up. Close enough anyhow.


  1. There are many characters introduced here - Sarah, Jason, Aunt Edna, foster parents. I'm intrigued. The pitch grabs me; I immediately want to know what Sarah's true gift is.

    Tighten some phrasing with less description - I as the reader want to fill in some blanks myself. This is a solid, intriguing start.

  2. You have very nice descriptions, however, too many at the beginning of a novel slows down the pacing. I've heard agents say that readers want to see mostly action in the first chapter. Maybe you could get away with the sloshing coffee description (which I love, by the way), but the line "The bright yellow kitchen walls with sunflowers bordering the top" is redundant. You could save it for later on in the novel.

    The last two paragraphs are nicely done. They give more details about the character and her voice.