Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Richard

Name: Richard Ewell
Title and genre: FAT TRAPPED (Horror)
Pitch: In Garden Estates people are disappearing, what is their connection to each other and who are the people that are about to torture them.

Danielle felt blood run down her forehead like a river finding it's way down her nose. The blood dripped off her nose and she could hear it splat on the ground beneath her. Darkness surrounded her like prey and swallowed her whole. The last thing she remembered was doing her daily run routine through the neighborhood of Garden Estates.

She blinked several times trying to adjust her eyes in the darkness but it wasn’t working to well. Danielle's arms were high above her head and hands were woven through each other tied by a rope. The rope was holding her up just enough to where her toes touched. She could not put her feet flat on the floor because of the rope so there was constant pressure on her toes. The floor beneath her felt cold, in fact the air was the same. This could be due to Danielle wearing nothing but her purple and black spandex shorts and matching sports bra.

Panic began to set in and Danielle pulled against the rope around her hands as hard she could but could not get free. It burned her wrists but that was of no concern to her at this moment. Tears began to form around her eyes and screams started spewing out of her mouth. She could hear noises above her, talking, walking, and even some laughter.

“What do you want from me” Danielle screamed as tears fell in her mouth choking her.


  1. Hi Richard!

    Firstly, great title! It grabbed my attention, and I'm curious as to how the 'Fat' part relates to trapped. Also the fact that it's a horror grabs me.

    Your 140 character pitch sounds like a question to me, might want to add a question mark at the end?

    Nice idea starting right in the middle of the action. I've got all kinds of questions about how Danielle got to where she is.

    One suggestion- you may want to tighten your writing up by reading your 250 wds out loud. It helps with repeats and phrasing. For example- you use two similies in your opening paragraph (like a river, like prey), and two 'begans' in your second last paragraph. Those things are easier to hear/see when you're reading aloud.

    Well done!


  2. I love this! So much fun.

    I think she would notice right away her hands are tied. That should be right up front with the blood on her face, because that's a big thing.

    I don't buy that she can hear her blood splat. Maybe a drip, but still it's so far away I think it would be hard. And I know head wound bleed a lot, but a river was too much for the image there. Because then it seems like a much more serious wound that is seriously gushing, and this seems like more of a trickle. Just nit-picky :-)

    Also, if tears are falling into her mouth, I would imagine it is tinted with the taste of blood.

    And also, if she is tied up, how does she know it is blood. Usually people think its water until they see the redness, even if there is pain a lot of times.

    Great job overall!