Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Keith

Name: Keith Pyeatt
Email: keithpyeatt (at) yahoo (dot) com
Title and genre: DAEVA -- Paranormal thriller

Pitch: Sharon upsets a demon's plan to influence mankind and becomes the key to its success. Her death will either empower the demon or destroy it.

1st 250 words:

Rothsirge crouched in a dark corner of the barn and waited. He excelled at waiting, having had centuries of practice, but tonight didn't test his patience. Only a few minutes passed before Fineena's slight silhouette appeared in the open doorway. Backlit by the moon, her blond hair glowed, but darkness hid her expression.

"Hello?" Her thin voice was scarcely more than a whisper. "Are you there?"

"I'm here," he said, rising to his full height, "just as I promised."

She made a soft sound he couldn't interpret, but when she glanced over her shoulder toward her house, Rothsirge knew she was trying to decide if meeting him here was a mistake. He could chase her if she ran, of course, but she'd probably scream as only a young girl could, alerting everyone in her house. He'd end up either fleeing the area or abandoning this body before her family could get their hands on it.

She glanced at her house again and shuffled back a step. He was about to lose her, and there was little he could do about it from inside this host. The simple mind gave him control of the body but limited use of his power. Maybe it would be enough. After all, he'd enchanted her easily enough this afternoon, and she'd come this far. He only needed to charm her a few more steps forward.

He moved into the moonlight and bowed theatrically. "At your service."

Fineena giggled and entered the barn.


  1. The pitch sounds interesting to me. I'm intrigued by the concept. The first 250 words feel like they may be part of a prologue. It's well written, but I'd like to jump right into the story with Sharon. I'm also wondering what kind of narrator you plan on using--I'm thinking omniscient most likely since this isn't from Sharon's viewpoint. Interesting start. The pitch is really good.

  2. I like this a lot. It was well written. I just had a few pickies. He'd had centuries of practice but tonight did not test his patience-"and" would be better- and tonight didn't test- because its not disagreeing with the previous points. I actually had to reread twice to be sure it said did NOT.

    Also "flee this body before her family got their hands on it" made me think "this body" was hers as in her family would rescue her or make her unsuitable in some way. The reader didn't know yet that he is inhabiting a body. I just thought he was himself- in whatever form demons are in your mythos. Saying "this host" might help or "his current body."

    Good luck! You write very well.