Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Luke

Name: Luke Piper


Title and genre: LIGHTNING CHILD Paranormal YA

Pitch: With her life spiraling out of control Jessica's new backyard neighbor teaches her there is more to life than her own self interests. Oh, and he channels lightning!

1st 250 words:
It was bedtime and Phil escorted Cheryl Russell back to her room down the west wing corridor of Twin Rivers Psychiatric for the two hundred and ninety-fifth time. However, for the first time, Phil was sick and he had a pressing need to run to the men’s room. Cheryl was pregnant and her abdomen appeared ready to burst. Her normal shuffling steps, similar among all the patients, were even more belabored as she made her way up the corridor. Phil's brow broke a sickly cool sweat, as each step Cheryl placed seemed to take longer than the last. He couldn't believe he'd been stuck on this double shift, sick as a dog, and all the while his pal Jerry was playing around on the beaches of sunny California.

Man I need a vacation. Phil thought.

Outside the season’s first summer storm pounded the building with its wind and rain. Lightening flashed and thunder clapped. Light strobed momentarily into the dimmed hall and adjoining rooms repeating as the storm approached. The storm seemed to keep resurging throughout the day making life even more difficult.

From their rooms many of the residents whooped and hollered at the loud thunder claps that rattled the building following the lightening strikes. It was an exciting show that would surely keep them up and make the night an even longer one.

Phil looked back. Had he only moved ten feet? The building pressure became too much. He new he wouldn’t be able to wait any longer.


  1. The last sentence of the pitch made me laugh out loud. :-)

    The opening however confused me, because the main character is Jessica, right? But the focus is on this Phil guy. What role does he play? Unless he's a major player in the story to come, why all the attention on him?

    Also, there are numerous spelling errors in the opening that make me wary of reading more. Lightening=Lightning, new=knew.

    If this is a prologue, I say ditch it. It doesn't seem to be adding much to the story. This is Jessica's story, let's meet her.

    Good luck!