Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Lindsey

Name: Lindsey Edwards
Email: Lindsey (dot) write words (at) yahoo (dot) com
Title and genre: SUCCUMBING TO SIN - Historical/Fantasy Romance

Pitch: On an isle unseen to mortal eyes, there lives a group of beings blessed with untold powers, yet a secret from the past threatens destruction.

1st 250 words:


Under an ominous sky threaded with swollen gray clouds, the surf broke against the bank far below the old ruins with frothy malice, imbuing the very air with a brackish sting.

Ignoring the biting nip of the wind as it lashed against his skin, Hayden James Ramsey, heir to the dukedom that was this godforsaken stretch of land reigned in his mount.

Sensing his riders mounting unease, the dappled horse danced sideways, rolling his head with a savage snort.

“Easy Prometheus,” sixteen-year-old Hayden soothed in a voice husky from lack of use.

Sliding down from his saddle, Hayden surveyed the area, seeking any clue that would lead him to his father.

Mrs. Potts had come to him in a frenzy, speaking of the soulless eyes of a desperate man and begging Hayden to save the old man from hell’s eternal damnation.

Hayden, who had long awaited the duke’s demise, knew his father was not destined for such atonement. It seemed that the head housekeeper’s faith had clouded her judgment, leaving her with a belief that her employer could be saved, forgiven by her merciful god.

A peculiar sound to his left led Hayden away from the ruins to the maw of the stable. With merely a single door remaining, and that one hanging precariously from a rusted hinge, the stable was a volatile hazard from the moment of entry, ready to collapse at any given moment.

It made a perfect rendezvous for a man bent on suicide.

4 comments:

  1. Great! Love the opening. Hayden sounds like an awesome character, and I love how you capture the setting. Personally, I'd have a little hint of romance in the pitch since that is your target genre and the pitch doesn't convey that right now. And this is just b/c I'm an evil grammar professor, but you probably want to do:

    Ignoring the biting nip of the wind as it lashed against his skin, Hayden James Ramsey, heir to the dukedom that was this godforsaken stretch of land COMMA reigned in his mount.

    Your core sentence is: Hayden reigned in his mount. Everything else is extra information and should be enclosed on both sides with commas. Easy change that adds a lot of clarity to that section!

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  2. Love the beginning of your pitch "On an isle unseen to mortal eyes..." It gives the voice and style of your work. The second part doesn't hook me as much as I'd like.

    The opening line of your work creates a vivid picture but seems almost parallel to "A dark and stormy night..." when compared to "Under an ominous sky threaded with swollen gray clouds, the surf broke against the bank far below the old ruins with frothy malice, imbuing the very air with a brackish sting." Clearly, your version is much more stylized but it does have that ring to it. The extra adjectives such as "frothy" to "malice" and "brackish" to "sting" I'd do away with.

    Overall, I like the fantasy elements and the tone. Give me more intrigue and I'd keep reading.

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  3. What beautiful writing! Your descriptions are so vivid that I feel like I'm there, experiencing it along with the characters. I have to disagree with Tina, I felt like you chose your adjectives well and used them sparingly. Sorry to be confusing and give you a differing opinion! Such is the way with readers though I guess. :)

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