Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Angela F.

Name: Angela Fleming
Email: Angelanbobby01@aol.com
Title & Genre: ENVY (YA Urban Fantasy)

Pitch:
Envy Zane is the only half-Atlantean in existence and survival of The Lost City of Atlantis depends solely on her. The problem is she doesn’t know it even exists… yet.

First 250:

Ok, I thought to myself, the water isn’t that scary. One toe edged closer to the gray-tinted waves crashing onto the beach. In the early morning, the entire world still seemed to be sleeping, other than the waves, of course . They were lively, dancing across the horizon in restless ripples. When those ripples reached the sand in front of me I was tempted to take a gigantic step back. My dad was terrified of the ocean, even though he’d grown up on the island. I guess he thought it might eat him or something equally illogical, considering he was a man of medicine. Doctors should be more rational, right?

Still, he’d shipped me to the island, but not without a stern, pointed-finger warning that I was to go nowhere near the water. Period. Even if I happened to be on fire I should find anything besides the ocean to put myself out.

Sure thing, Dad. Where is this hypothetical fire supposed to come from anyway? Spontaneous combustion induced by being socially impaired?

With a slightly guilty conscience— because I’d wholeheartedly sworn to stay away, even if the sea was practically in my front yard—I eased closer until floating particles of sand tickled the tops of my feet. I was afraid too, but I wouldn’t let it stop me. Hundreds of thousands of people flocked to the beach for the sole purpose of swimming. What was so wrong with me that I could hardly manage a toe without hyperventilating?

4 comments:

  1. I love the premise! Atlantis has always fascinated me.

    You're writing is good, but this opening seems to be a lot of back story: about her dad and how she's been shipped to this island and instructed to stay away from the water. It's all very interesting, but it slows your story down. I'd like to see more of an active opening with more happening than the MC standing on the shore and thinking. You could still open with her in this same situation, afraid but determined to touch the water, but leave out the back story. Weave it in as you go along, not all in the opening.
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great premise, and I love the fear of water b/c it makes total sense. I'm confused about why her dad would send her to an ISLAND if he doesn't want her anywhere near the water, but I'm sure that's answered later. And if that's the case, then I don't think you need this bit of back story just yet.

    Either way, this is very interesting, and I'd read on!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you both so much for taking time to read my story! I'm thinking over your suggestions, you both mentioned too much back story so i'll work on that :)

    ReplyDelete