Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Tina

Name: Tina Moss
Email: tinamosswrites@gmail.com
Title & Genre: BLOOD BOND - Urban Fantasy
Pitch: Half demon, half angel, Cassie can open portals between worlds, but she must master her power or risk insanity and losing her freedom.

1st 250 words:


“There’s no flipping way I’m going in there!” Cassie planted her feet and locked her arms against the doorframe. “Do you hear what I’m saying, Zoey?”

She stiffened as her friend pushed her from behind.

“Why do you have to make this so difficult?” An exasperated Zoey gave her another shove, this time crouching and digging a shoulder into her back.

Gritting her teeth, Cassie bent her knees and sunk her weight further into the floor. She might not have the height or weight advantage, but she knew how to make her petite size count. With a smile she said, “I think all that blond on top your head has finally sunk into your brain.” Her hand released the door for a split second to sweep around the room. “Don’t you see this place? This is NOT the answer.”

Zoey jumped on the opportunity, grabbing Cassie’s free hand and dragging her into the cramped room. Crystal skulls, long tapered candles, and navy colored drapes with sequence and stars filled the space. Sickly sweet incense wafted through the air. Two desperate looking elderly women dressed in black waited their turn on a red velvet couch. The sight had Cassie spinning one hundred and eighty degrees, pulling free of Zoey’s grip and bee lining to the exit. She’d made it to the hallway, before Zoey tackled her in a bear hug and pleaded with her to stay.

“You’ve tried everything else,” Zoey said, as she tugged Cassie back through the door.

8 comments:

  1. Your pitch is awesome. It sets the character and lays out goals and consequences in just a few words.

    Your opening pages are great too. An intriguing premise that introduces us to two friends and makes us want to know why they're where they are and what Cassie needs help with.

    A couple of small things - 'and navy colored drapes with sequence and stars' should be '...with sequins and stars...'

    Also, consider delving into the senses a little more in the same paragraph. Not a lot, just a hint. What makes the smell sickly? What makes the elderly women look desperate?

    You've got a great start here. Very intriguing read ^_^

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  2. Thanks! This is co-written with my writing partner, Yelena Casale. We are trying to determine whether to revise this opening or use the opening from our original draft. So, any feedback is greatly appreciated!

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  3. Would like to see the original so one can compare and contrast.

    I remember this pitch from Shelley's contest. :-) Liked the premise of the story, hence why I am here.

    I agree with Loralei on the drapes and delving into the senses. What makes you so sure they're desperate? Sickly sweet is cliche. Burning incense is a very strong odor and dependent on what type can smell anywhere from honeysuckle sweet too obnoxious foul poo or the nauseating, burning hair smell. Take your pick - LOL.

    Otherwise, I like the beginning. :-) Good job ladies.

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  4. Thanks! I remember yours too. :) Thanks for your feedback, and I agree it'd be easier if you saw the original. But, so far from Shelley's contest and here, it seems the original draft is the place to start and this needs some tweaking to flow into the story better. Rewrite time.

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  5. I remember this pitch too! I like the opening, and I would continue reading to find out what the two friends are up to.

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  6. This sounds really interesting! Your descriptions are excellent and you have me very curious about that room. As a blond though, I kind of hate when anyone refers to the hair color as taking away from intelligence. I wouldn't have stopped reading because of it but it does make me instantly dislike Cassie.

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  7. Thanks all! Yelena and I appreciate all of the feedback! We've been able to make some great revisions!

    Heather, no hatred toward blondes intended. Yelena is actually blond (though don't tell her I told you...not natural. LOL). The line of dialogue was removed in editing.

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