Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Terry

Name: Terry Tibke


Title/Genre: Black Dawn/YA Fantasy

Pitch: On a planet of feuding dragon tribes, a young dragonrider races to warn his country of a coming assault.

1st 250 words:

The wind whistled through Turim’s helmet as tears like slivers of diamond tore from his eyes. He strained—even with his half-elven eyesight—to see six Chromaback dragons, sun glinting off their scales. A few of the beasts were like emeralds, others onyx. But most important, perched between the creatures’ shoulder blades were riders.

For the last several hours, even before he could clearly see them, he’d suspected the dragonriders were Dark Knights. Now that he’d confirmed the Chromabacks weren’t birds, griffons, or even wyverns, he didn’t like it. The Dragon Army had never come so close to home. It was too bold a move. One Wing? What are they doing here?

The Plains of Sirik streaked along far below. Wind whipped shreds of cloud past Turim’s face, sending his mustache fluttering. Around him, his Wing spread in a loose Heron formation, as their dragons’ metallic-colored scales glinted in a way the colored Chromabacks’ never could.

Sand was first to react aloud. “We have to move now, Commander!” His hand whipped forward.

Turim barely heard him, but read his gesture. He sighed at his friend’s impatience. “Hold yourself!”

“But Commander, we’re going to lose them!”

This isn’t time for rash thought, Lieutenant!”

“But the coast—” Sand waved past the approaching forest, swirling his arm to signify the sea.

Turim cut him off. “Past the Modukaz, I know!”

He’d heard enough words to catch the cracking in Sand’s voice, rising in threat. It didn’t matter right now.


  1. Be careful, when introducing us to another planet, that you don't throw too many unfamiliar terms at us too quickly. Give us something we can relate to and ease us in slowly.

    Also, the opening sentence strikes me as over-written (I do this all the time, which is why it stood out to me). It's pretty, but the metaphor doesn't come off as natural.

    I do like the pitch though. It effectively communicates the plot in 140 characters, which is a very hard thing to do.

  2. Nice imagery! I felt the wind and sensed the urgency. I agree with Melissa about being careful with unfamiliar words, but what you've got wouldn't stop me from reading on.

    Love the pitch--succinct and exciting!