Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Jacqueline

Name: Jacqueline Kim

Email: jacquelinekim (at) rocketmail (dot) com

Title/Genre: SHOES FOR TWO--Fantasy

Pitch: Bookish Ariana is mistaken for Cinderella when she is the only girl to fit the glass slipper and is sent to the palace to marry the prince.

1st 250 Words:

That shoe was not supposed to fit.

I could blame a number of people for that: I could blame the princess for wearing it; I could blame Prince Alexandre for thinking of such a foolish way to find her; and, in my present state of anger, I could even blame my own late mother for birthing a daughter the same height and size as this princess. But then again, that would be foolish. I shouldn’t even think of such a thing.

Or perhaps I could blame Amica, even though she is my best friend. If she had not forced me to go to the ball, then I may not be in such a mess. On second thought…I did agree to go myself (after a great deal of her indignant goading).

Mayhap Mrs. Joan is partially at fault. She was the one that had picked out all the finest jewelry and accessories, clearing my doubts about going to the ball. But I shan’t blame her, for she was so thoughtful as to send this journal to me, and it is a handsome volume that may prove to calm my qualms and frustrations.

I could charge Father responsible for giving me such great encouragement to attend, even letting me wear the mask…but he is the only parent I have left, and how dearly I love him.

Whosever fault it is, I am in one wretched situation. And I must, must, must get out of it. Before the month is out.


  1. I love fairytales, they’re very popular right now.

    First thing that caught me off guard was the style changes. The language turns from casual to literary almost every other sentence. For example, it starts off with this sword and shield feel to it (because it’s talking about princess and balls) and then modern “Mrs. Joan” creeps in. It really throws off my sense of the setting and makes it hard for me to determine if this is meant to be a commercialized historical, or fantasy novel.

    I thought the first paragraph summed up the dilemma nicely, then it felt like redundancy when she goes on to blame her friend, father, and Mrs. Joan. Also, in the traditional story of Cinderella, I thought it didn’t matter if someone attended the ball or not. Every girl gets to try on the shoe, so is there really a need to reiterate that she was there?

    Very fun premise. Good luck with this!

  2. I love the opening line! Great start and a fun take on the Cinderella story. I do find the literary voice a bit off-putting, but it may fit the story. Overall, it's a nice new spin on a classic fairy tale.

  3. OMG, best opening line EVER!!!!!!!!

    I want to read this NOW! I love fairy tale reworkings and this sounds fantastic. The voice is good and the writing is super clean , too.

    The pitch was good but lacked a little conflict. I know it describes the situation perfectly, but I didn't get a sense of where the tension would be. What's so bad about marrying a prince??? LOL ;)

  4. I love the opening line! The literary aspect didn't bother me at all. Her voice is good and I want to read more. Great job!

  5. Like a twist on a fairytale. Great voice.

    I shouldn’t even think of such a thing. Perhaps should read, "I shouldn't entertain such a thought." You use the term "wretched" later, so I think it better fits the tone.