Email: stinalindenblatt (at) shaw (dot) ca
Genre and Title: YA contemporary--Shot in the Dark
Maddie’s mission: to prove her BFF’s ex-boyfriend is selling steroids—only someone’s desperate to keep her from discovering the truth.
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For some people, time rushes by, never allowing them a chance to breathe. For others, like me, it can creep forward, forcing you to see all your screw ups in slow motion. Giving you the chance to regret them, but never allowing you the time to grab them back before it’s too late. Before they define you.
I pivot in my seat and check the clock on the biology classroom wall for the second time in two minutes. Where the hell is she?
Mr. Brenner nods at the guy slouched at the table near the door. Before he has a chance to get up and close it, and before the bell deafens us with it irritating screech, Olivia Goddard, my best friend, sails in, shutting the door behind her.
Finally. She didn’t show up at lunch, and I’ve been dying to talk to her about tonight.
Liv’s long, golden blonde hair curtains her face, almost hiding it, as she makes her way to our table, her eyes focused on the floor. Her hair, graceful legs, and high cheekbones are enough to send the testosterone levels of the guys in the class skyrocketing to record levels. I press my lips together to keep from cracking up at the lovesick looks plastered on their faces. Dream on guys.
She sits next to me at our table. Her eyes are red and damp trails stain her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” I whisper so Mr. Brenner can’t hear me.
Stina! I finally get to read something of yours!
ReplyDeleteYou have a great voice here and really strong writing. This opening doesn't totally grab my attention (because I'm a blood and guts and monsters kind of gal) but it is interesting. I want to know why she's upset!
The only thing I can thought stood out was the description of the friend, particularly her cheekbones and legs. It seemed like an awkward time to be thinking about that.
Otherwise, i think it's a great opening. Great voice and strong writing. Good luck!
Just returning the favor : )
ReplyDeleteWould like a little more detail in your pitch about the antagonist and less of the specific details regarding the facts as to why her life is in danger. Why is Maddie taking it on herself to prove the BFF's Ex is selling steroids? I would think the school security team would love to do something besides patrol the grounds and get their hands a little dirty.
I'd say there's the right amount of detail to set the scene, though pointing out the best friend's good looks did seem a bit overdone. Rather than telling us she's beautiful I liked the line after it that showed it by the love sick expressions plastered on the boys' faces.
And, typo? it[its] irritating screech
Actually, that whole sentence feels like it should be broken up. Looks like two or three sentences strung into a big long one, separated by commas.
Your first paragraph really hooks the reader in. Very intense and entices curiosity.
and before the bell deafens us with it irritating screech
"... forcing you to see all your screw ups in slow motion." Great line!
ReplyDeleteA lot of questions are raised in this entry, which made me want to read more.
Blonde hair curtaining face, almost hiding it. Maybe combine the ideas.
There are some really great lines in this piece! Your work has great voice.
ReplyDeleteThe short pitch hooked me. I love a great comtempt story. :)
Nice work!
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