Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Michelle M.

Name: Michelle Merrill


Title and Genre: Three Weeks--YA Paranormal

Pitch: When Brielle gets her first genie assignment the Council has other plans for her. Plans that need magic she won’t have until the first wish.

First 250 Words:

I stepped away from the window and slapped a hand on my favorite poster. The same thing I did every morning after making sure the dune behind my house was still there. Proof that my life was wasted on a bunch of sand. I couldn’t wait to leave the desert.

I glanced up at the picture beneath my hand. One day, I’d actually get to drive a real car. Any car would do, but a Lamborghini with a lime green stripe would be preferable.

The front door closed and I spun around.

By the time I reached the staircase, the smell of ash and lemon overwhelmed me. Mom was back from her assignment and had tried once again to cover the smell of ash with her sour perfume. It gave me a headache every single time.

She eyed me from the bottom step with arched brows and a firm hand on her hip. “Nothing?”

I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes. “Please stop looking at me like that. I haven’t had an assignment for the last four years. Obviously the last three weeks haven’t been any different.” I stormed past her on my way into the kitchen. I shouldn’t be so hard on her. She was just being optimistic.

I could smell her as she followed two steps behind me. “Maybe you need to appeal to the Council again. See if they can find your lamp.”

I grabbed a can of juice from the fridge and slammed the door.


  1. Wow! This is a great start! Totally makes me want to read more! I'm intrigued. And Brielle's character/personality comes across loud and clear. Great job.

    The only thing that struck me as off was the two sentences that said "I shouldn't be so hard on her. She was just being optimistic." I would separate them into a new stand-alone paragraph and plut it elsewhere. I think Brielle's emotions on this frist page seem exasperated and generally ticked off. So the sentences above kind of throw that feeling off. I think you should keep them, though, because it shows another dimension to the character--a kind and caring side. But I think that that belongs somewhere else. Maybe after the slams the fridge door?

    The pitch seems good but I'm not sure if I followed it perfectly--it may just be me looking too deep into it. I couldn't figure out if Brielle is the genie and she can't use her magic until someone wishes something. Or, is someone else a genie and Brielle needs to wish for magic in order to pull off the Council's assignment? Maybe defining Brielle as a genie would clear that up. Does that make sense to you or am I rambling? :)


  2. That's makes perfect sense. Thanks so much for your suggestions Jeanmarie!