Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Nicole Z.

Name: Nicole Zoltack
Title & Genre: RIONA'S PEN -- YA Fantasy

Pitch: When fifteen-year-old nerdy Riona uses a cursed magical pen, her people turn into demons - the very thing she is trying to save them from.

1st 250 words:

Mr. McMichaels hated me ever since he confiscated a story I wrote during class last week. A story about an evil goblin warlord. Named McMichaels.

I guess I can't blame him, but wouldn't most English teachers love students who wanted to be authors? But no. I was lucky he only threatened me with detention.

I took my time walking to English class, seeing no need to rush. The crowded hallway slowly thinned out as kids ducked into their classrooms. The scent of mold and putrid gym clothes wafted toward me when a junior slammed his puke-green locker shut, and I gagged.

"Riona?" someone called.

I turned and spotted Artex, the new guy. He smiled and waved a piece of paper in his hand. Wow, were his teeth white! "Hi." I smiled back, unsure why he was talking to me. After all, I was decidedly unpopular. I refrained from shuffling my feet.
Good-looking boys always made me nervous.

He jogged down the hall, and a lock of dark hair fell across his forehead, giving him a messy but dreamy look. "I think this is yours." He handed me the story I had started in Spanish class.

"Thanks." I shoved it into a notebook. "I guess I accidentally left it behind."

"You really wrote poor Roderick into a tight spot. Those bloody pirates are more than he can handle." He fell into step beside me.

My cheeks grew hot. "You read it?"


  1. Your pitch drew me to read more - Nice Job. Who are her people? And demons want them? Even better. I don't think you need to add 'nerdy' in the pitch. That picture came through for me with reference to 'cursed magical pen'. Artex doesn't resonate with 'messy, but dreamy' so I'm torn with wanting to know more, but wishing I could learn more of his background and the context of the story from his presence. His name says that he might be referenced by the last name or his first name is unusual for a contemporary context. Unless, it's not a contemporary context? Intriguing.

  2. I agree with Liz, instead of "people" try characters. BTW, I love the premise!

  3. Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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