Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Sherry

Name: Sherry Auger

Title and genre: WILLOW BROOK ya paranormal

pitch: Her town is disappearing, and in Janet's sleep she sees a little girl hanged as a witch. Can Janet discover how to save both--before the witch hunters detect her powers?

1st 250 words:
As fourteen-year-old Janet Marley slices tomatoes for her salad the knife slips and pierces her skin. Putting the punctured finger in her mouth, unbidden memories cut through her just as the knife had. Those memories served to fuel the rage at her father’s actions so many years ago and even now.
Damn memories.

She angrily dashes the wasted tears from her eyes.

I don’t want to remember. He made me feel so incompetent, so useless.

She was only seven when things fell apart in her world.

“Daddy,” wailed an inconsolable Janet. “Where’s mommy? I want mommy!

“Humph,” replied her father.

His eyes glistened with unshed tears. He barely heard his daughter’s plea.

“I want mommy, mommy, mommy,” demanded Janet stomping her feet.

“Oh… ah… what do you want Janet? Can’t you get it yourself?”

“I want mommy,” cried Janet, crossing her arms and pouting.

“Mommy isn’t coming home. She has gone to live with God.”

“Then I want to go live with God too.”

“Janet,” said her father wearily. “You can’t live with God. You have to live here with me.”

“But I want to live with Mommy.”

“Janet, go to your room. I need to think.”

“I’m hungry. I want peanut butter and jelly.”

Why does Daddy keep looking at Mommy’s picture? I want to look at Mommy’s picture too. She looks just like me only bigger. Why won’t he make me a sandwich?

Janet grabbed for the framed picture of her mother in her father’s hands.


  1. I think this needs to be first person POV. I don't think the third person, present tense works here. Especially in that first paragraph, it's almost as if a radio announcer is narrating the story and it's awkward.

    I want to get a feel for the MC's voice, and right now, I can't do that. If you have any questions, let me know. Good luck!