Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Bailey

Name: Bailey Hunter
Genre: Paranormal Thriller

Pitch: Science saved June leaving her racing the clock to find out who the faceless beings stalking her were, how to stop them and save the others.

First 250:

June cradled the cell phone in the crook of her shoulder and opened the door to the obnoxiously bright convenience store.

“Mum, I told you. I’m going over to Fran’s place tonight. A bunch of us girls are getting together for an evening of card readings, palm readings -- that sort of thing. Leah just finished an aura reading class so she’s going to try and give us all one too.”

June nodded to the clerk while her mother rattled on.

“No mum. It’s not Satanism. You know that. Why do you say things like that anyway? Never mind. It’s just a fun gathering of women. You should come sometime. Then you can see for yourself.”

“Mhmm…uh huh…no” June gave auto replies as she shuffled through the snack aisle looking for proper party munchies.

“Mum! Don’t be silly. Of course you could come. I’m not going to beg you, but you are more than welcome.” June grabbed some pretzels, threw them in the basket and headed for the meagre produce section.

“No mum, I haven’t heard from Sherrie. She’ll call when she’s broke or needs a place to crash.” June sighs “I’m just telling it how it is, mum. Listen mummy, I love you very much and I will stop by tomorrow, ok? I’m about ready to go... Oh my God!”

June turned just in time to see a man in an over sized coat and face mask shoot the counter clerk. She tried to duck but too late.


  1. I feel like your pitch could be a bit more refined. It's an interesting premise, that she survived a near death experience, and now she has a chance to save others. But it could be sated a bit more clearly. For example I'm wondering about who the others are, and the faceless beings. It's tough to get all into one sentence though.

    While the phone conversation is interesting, and well done, I don't know if it is the best way to open the novel. I do like the little pieces of personality we can glean from it however, June seems to be an engaging person, easy to identify with. The idea of her getting shot does seem to be the right place to start the story. Good luck!

  2. Like Mim said your pitch needs some work to make it more interesting. Maybe something like "Miracoulsy saved by Science, June races against the clock to stop the faceless beings who are hell bent on destroying all that she holds dear." The saved by science part could need more of an explanation, too. Are the faceless beings after her because of the way she was saved by science? Somehow you should tie those two together.

    Good job!