Name: Bethany - bethanyray.goodman at gmail
Title: Untitled
Genre: Space Dystopia
Pitch: Juniper and Lillian would do anything to save their little world from their murderous ruler - but first they must find a way back to Earth.
250 Words:
The crowd surged on the ship, their protests echoing through the decontamination chamber. Most of them had never seen the loading dock; there weren’t many of us with keys.
The slim fitting breathing suit set me apart from the others. A few of the faceless bulky figures came to me, pleading admission. But I wasn’t a soldier today.
Today I stood among them, just as eager to dock the last ship back to Earth for a month as they were. My father stood at my left, a hand on my back to guide me towards the front. The room was miles long, but the fifty people surrounding us all waiting in the same area. All wanting to board.
When the first shot sounded, I pulled my father to a crouch, shielding as much of him as I could with my five foot, three inch frame. My suit was bullet proof; even the sterling white scientists’ suits didn’t have body armor. The rest of the civilian suits were even worse than his.
While we crouched, one of the loading dock guys ran over to us. “Dr. Karl, this is no place for a scientist or even a soldier. Go back up to the colony.” He looked out into the crowd. “Quickly.”
“My daughter and I want to board. We don’t want any trouble with Dr. Strauss.”
The dock worker grimaced, shaking his head. “You already have trouble. I’m going to pretend I didn’t see either of you involved in this. Go back.”
Everyone is welcome to visit and stay for the fun. Author of PERFECTION, release date July 16, 2013, and FLAWED release date August 12, 2014. Published by Spencer Hill Press.
You've got a tense set-up here with the crowds wanting to get out, and the shots being fired. I'm interested in what's going on, and why everyone is so keen to get away from where they are-- and why there's shooting. I think a few sentences could be tightened up a bit, and in general I didn't have a good picture of where I was-- I didn't feel grounded. Overall, though, I felt this was a solid start which got me immediately interested. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThe opening jarred a little. It begins in what seems like a distant third person POV- the crowd did this and that, so it paused a minute when I got to "us."
ReplyDeleteI'd start in her voice because its a great voice and I liked her/the story once I got into its narrator.
So maybe "The crowd surged around me. I had to keep a tight hold on Dad's arm or we would have been separated before we'd ever made it on board." Something to put her in the first line.
The only other time I went huh was the phrase "Earth for a month." I'm not sure whether it was a mo long trip to Earth or no ship would leave for another 30 days which is what I decided you meant.
But those pickies aside- good beginning. I'm particularly impressed with your world building- a lot of info in a short space but it wasn't bogging down the action at all.
I loved this line: But I wasn’t a soldier today.
ReplyDeleteIt says something about your protagonist right away. I also loved the way you ended it with: The dock worker grimaced, shaking his head. “You already have trouble. I’m going to pretend I didn’t see either of you involved in this. Go back.”
That gives us so much right away.
A couple of sentences could be reworked for better clarity.
~just as eager to dock the last ship back to Earth for a month as they were. [the last ship heading back to Earth for another month - or something]
~The room was miles long, but the fifty people surrounding us all wait[ed] in the same area.
I don't get the pitch. It doesn't really give a sense or make me feel intrigued - not like your first 250 words did. Good luck!
Thank you wonderful ladies for the feedback!! So specific, thank you!
ReplyDeleteBanned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)
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