Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Dawn

Name: Dawn Cassandra Heather’s


Title and genre: The Keys: Life, YA Urban Fantasy

Pitch: When Kayla Smith finds out that her dreams are another reality, she must make a decision between the boy she loves and the very world she wants to save.

250 words:
Kayla Smith was ugly. She knew it the very first moment her mother showed her a picture of the beautiful princess in the fairy tale book.

She pushed the image of the princess hugging her prince charming from her head and slammed her locker close.

“Look its Kay-ua-la,” someone chuckled to her friend.

“I already had to look at that face all year.” The friend sighed as if Kayla couldn’t hear. “Glad I won’t see her during the summer.”

She choked back a sob and tried to ignore them. It was the last day of school and the torment was almost over her. She frowned putting her things into her book bag. The only thing she would remember about James Henry Middle School was getting pushed in the hallways and being teased in the cafeteria.

Kayla walked out of the school and saw her so-called best friend, Lisa Bitts, standing by Emily Littleton.

She trembled, not knowing if she should speak. She was with Emily— Lisa’s never the same when Emily was around. And yet they had been best friends once. So she decided not speaking was silly. It was, after all, the last day of school— what could possibly happen?

Taking a deep breath, Kayla, walked over to them.

“Hi, Lisa,” Kayla smiled and moved her un-straightened hair from her face.

Lisa’s eyes bore into her, and then she gave a nervous laugh. “Hi, Kayla.”

Kayla’s smile turned into a full-faced grin. Lisa was actually talking to her.


  1. The pitch intrigues me, I want to know more.

    In regards to the opening, get to the good stuff! Hook me and reel me in. I feel bad for Kayla, and I'm having unpleasant flashbacks to high school, but in that first page I want some tension, some hint of what's to come.

    I think you could do more to bring out Kayla's voice as well, though I have a harder time suggesting how you'd do that, it's such an intangible.

  2. Aw poor Kayla! Such a heart wrenching story.

    I agree with some of the things Melissa noted above.

    I'd read on!