Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Susan

Name: Susan James
Email: susan.b.james@sbcglobal.net
Title and Genre: Half-truth, YA fantasy

Pitch: The tale of Edan, leader of the Clan of the Stars and Rose Woodman, the young woman who will be to Faerie what Helen was to Troy.

“Rosie? Rose! Where are you?” Uncle Ben barreled out of the barn holding the pitchfork like a spear.

“Shh. It’s all right. I’m here.” She would’ve laughed if his actions weren’t so pathetic. Sweet and brave, yes, but completely unnecessary.

His broad back sagged in relief. “I swear, Rosie, your hair blends right into the evening shadows.”

“Shh,” she said, again, pointing to the corner of the field. “Oh, it’s gone. It was a stag. Such a beautiful, beautiful creature.”

“You’re sure it was only a stag?”

“Yes.”

“You can’t be too careful, Rosie.”

“I know, Uncle Ben. I know as surely as I know Gradie is only a dog.”

Her uncle nodded but couldn’t help the frown that knit his brows whenever she spoke of her unusual senses. The wolfhound’s ears had pricked at the sound of his name. She crouched down, threw her arms round his massive shoulders and buried her face in his thick gray fur. “But you’re a wonderful doggie. Oh yes, you are.” He gnawed playfully on her head.

Uncle Ben chuckled. “I don’t know, Master Miller complains every time I go to the Mill. He says Gradie is more wolf than hound.”

“Well, Master Miller is more mouse than man, so I suppose he gets a little nervous round Gradie.”

Uncle Ben laughed. “Ah, you’re funny, Rosie. But it’s the truth, and pretty impressive as you only met the man once.”

“Once was enough. Mouse indeed. The man was scared of me and I was seven years old.”

3 comments:

  1. It sounds like a fantastic idea. I really like the pitch.

    A couple of things:

    It moves too quickly from each subject. I want to know more about the stag, but its already moving to her hair. I want to know more about her hair, but it moves to the dog. Next the Miller. I had a tough time keeping up with and getting a sense of where the story was going.

    The last two paragraphs are confusing. Who scared the Miller? At first I thought it was Gradie, the dog. But, the last para made me wonder if Rose scared the Miller.

    Great idea. Good luck.

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  2. Interesting premise and a nice start. I like the voice a lot. The dialogue felt a little stiff a few times, but I love the exchange about Master Millie.

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