Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Violet

Name: Violet Ingram
Email: medennler@ameritech.net
Title & Genre: LILY’S HEART OF GLASS – Romance

Pitch: To save her home from the unscrupulous, glass artist, Lily must push away the one man she's loved. Can Lily save her home and get the guy?

1st 250 words:

Sweat poured off her body and onto the floor. Her arms and back ached from all of the physical exertion. Lily Cavanaugh was in heaven. The blowpipe rolled back and forth forming the shape that she wanted. The vibrant blues and greens swirled together to form a circular pattern. Lily had spent the past hour shaping the piece until finally deciding it was finished. She transferred it to the punty and detached it from the blowpipe. She slipped on her gloves before placing the delicate glass into the annealer to safely cool over the next several hours.

Lily stood up and stretched sore muscles. A smile spread across her flushed face. She poured all she had into each piece of glass. Which left her both euphoric and depressed after a piece was completed. She walked out of the studio and into her kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She gulped half the bottle down and was making her way back to the studio when there was a loud banging on the door. Irritated at the interruption, she considered ignoring the sound and returning to work. Unfortunately the banging had shattered her concentration. Eager to get rid of whoever had been dumb enough to interrupt her, Lily stomped over to the door.

“Alright already, hang on a second!”

It took several tugs to open the old metal door but when it finally opened, Lily found two men, dressed in fancy suits, looking down at her.

“Who died?”

4 comments:

  1. This reminds me of the intimate scene from “Ghost” where the woman is spinning the clay pot on the wheel. The only issue I have is that there are several vocabulary words thrown in that I have no idea what they look like or what they mean. (Punty, blowpipe—the first thing I thought of was a train, and then a gentleman’s old smoking pipe, annealer.)

    Also, I’m not sure how big the pieces she’s making are. Is the end result a vase, a dust collector on someone’s shelf, a bead for jewelry making? I have no sense of size for her project. And you make it clear she’s putting her heart and soul into each piece, which makes me wonder how many she turns out in a year or a month.

    In hindsight, the pitch confuses me. She seems like the glass artist, so who is the villain? Another glass artist, but unscrupulous? Then she’s pushing away the man she loves, but the only other character mentioned is the antagonist—who might also be the guy she wants to get?

    I feel like I’m missing a third character in here. I love her raw passion, and the light touch of humor at the end.

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  2. LOVE that she's a glass blower--you've painted incredibly unique and beautiful imagery! I hate to even say this, because I think we often rush into action just because we think that's what agents want, but you might want to think about condensing the first two paragraphs.

    Again, well done on the descriptions! I really felt like I was in the scene.

    Pitch: If Lily is the glass artist you're referring to in the pitch, I don't think you need that second comma (instead, put: To save her home from the unscrupulous, glass artist Lily must push away the one man she's loved.).

    Also, "unscrupulous" might be seen as a little vague. Best of luck!

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  3. Love the glass blowing. Very interesting! Just be careful with that opening paragraph. It begins to feel less like we're inside Lily's head and more like a series of actions: Lily did this and that. Then she did this. Next, she did that. Etc.

    Also, careful with passive voice: She gulped half the bottle down and was making her way back to the studio when there was a loud banging on the door.

    Stronger: She gulped half the bottle down and made her way back to the studio. A loud bang shook the door.

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