Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Brenda

Name: Brenda Corey Dunne
Email: tbdunne01@hotmail.com
Title/Genre: TREASURE IN THE FLAME/ YA-Historical Fiction-Fantasy

Pitch: Aminda's father lies in a cursed sleep. She's seeing visions. The villagers are pointing fingers. Can she trust a treasure map to save her?

First 250:

The opportunity had presented itself in the form of a map. Just a piece of parchment on the ale-soaked wooden floor of a Ste Anne’s pub. More than likely dropped by a drunkard on his way home to his hungry wife. Finder’s keepers, Jonas had told himself as he scooped down and picked it up.

It was a treasure map.

Not just any treasure map, but the Treasure Map. The one he had heard so much about. Slurred whispers in the candlelight of maps, gold and curses. Of treasure and death on the Koac stream.

He had fished there before, ignoring the superstitions. There was nothing on that stream but fat fish and a beautiful waterfall. Yet Jonas had to admit that the place had made him uneasy. He was not a superstitious man, but he swore he had felt eyes on his back.

The map had a stream that wound in a wide S, just like the Koac. There was an X on a path—just beyond a waterfall. Even solid, hard-working Jonas couldn’t deny the pull of curiosity. Was the parchment really a treasure map? Could the rumours be true? Could this be his opportunity to give his daughter a life he’d been working so hard to provide?

She was so brave. So beautiful. He owed her the chance.

And so, as Jonas Ingerham walked into the blackness of the new moon, he had only his daughter’s best intentions in mind.

3 comments:

  1. I'm intrigued--searching for treasure is a common theme but a fun one, and having the father in an enchanted sleep is very motivating. One suggestion: the pitch suggests the MC will be Aminda, but the book opens with her father. Since many readers will read the first page to get a feel for the voice of the book, it might be good to start out in Aminda's POV.

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  2. Hey, throw a treasure map into a manuscript pitch and you've got me!

    Love the premise and mystery of it all.

    I was a bit distracted by "wooden floor of a Ste Anne’s pub." I don't know what a Ste Anne's pub is. If the name of the pub is Ste Anne's, get rid of the word "a" before it. I got the impression that you meant St. Anne's pub, but that's probably a wrong impression too. Either way, it pulled me out of the story. Just FYI.

    Also, in the first paragraph, I can't picture him "scooping down." I can picture "he bent down and scooped it up" though. That would work better for me.

    I think there was just a tiny bit too much background information at the beginning for me. Maybe someone could be watching him pick up the map from the deep shadows or something to increase tension. I don't know :)

    LOVE the idea and the imagery you paint with your word choices!

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