Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Annie

Name: Annie McElfresh


Title and genre: Demon At My Door—YA Urban Fantasy

Pitch: Outcast Natalie Sugarman bartered her soul to a demon-boy. To win it back, she must damn five other souls to take her place.

1st 250 words:
Someone in this room is about to die. The hum, deep in my bones, is undeniable. Shockwaves roll through me whenever I’m near a person who is about to bite the big one. I feel it now and I hope like hell it’s not me. But it’s definitely going to happen right here in the Upper-Arlington Country Club. Soon.

I scoot back further in my seat and slouch down, trying to block out the incessant hum in my skull. I don’t know why Mom drags me here all the time.

Mom’s in deep discussion with a lady in a black dress suit near the exit about ten feet away. She’s perfect, as always, in her pretty politician look. A girl around my age walks up to them. Mom’s mouth tugs down a bit, slightly annoyed by the interruption. A long, golden strand of hair falls into the girl’s face and the woman, whom I assume is her mother, tucks it behind her ear. They smile at each other for a brief second. I can’t even imagine having that kind of mother-daughter relationship.

“Natalie, sit up straight,” Mom barks at me while she smoothes back her perfect brown hair. My thoughts fade. “Say hello to Dr. Lilim Fletcher.”

Great. My new court-appointed therapist frequents Mom’s favorite hang out.

I stiffen my shoulders and hold the pose. A forced smile fills my face as I say hello. Mom glares, inspecting every inch of my all black outfit. When they look away, I slouch in my chair again.


  1. I seriously LOVE this one. Annie has a great way of shaping the scene right from the get-go; the first line especially grabs you!

    The comparison of the other girl and her mother when compared to our MC and her mothers' is really enlightening, and it sets up a lot of conflict right in a few words.

    Love it, and I definetly can see it in the top 3. :)

  2. You had me at the pitch!
    Great voice and descriptions. I could feel Natalie's pain and wanted to read on to see what happened next.
    Awesome work!

  3. Great pitch, and a very interesting start. I'd read on!

  4. That is one of the best pitches I've ever read! And your first para hooked me completely.

    I can't wait to read this!

  5. Like everyone else said, this was good. With a few small changes this could be even better. For example, instead of saying hum in your first 2 paragraphs choose another word like vibrate. Then in your last paragraph where you say, "a forced smile fills my face", simplify say, "I force a smile and say." Tightening this up will make it cleaner. Good job!