Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Loralie

Name: Loralie

Email: loralie.hall at gmail dot com

Title and genre: URIEL'S FALL -- Urban Fantasy

Pitch: Surrounded by gods and archangels who refuse to tell her the truth, Uriel learns the price of reality can't be covered by a good tip.

1st 250 words:
Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definition like the seraphim it admired from a distance. Without a name it had no solid form, and therefore no senses. Images and voices bounced in its thoughts, painting a picture of their own.

It didn’t know if the other cherubim felt the same way. No one ever talked about it, so it also kept silent. But Cherubim loved to linger in the ethereal corridors of the creator’s heaven absorbing the day-to-day of the angels with bodies, personalities, and genders. It wondered what color eyes it would have. Would they be violet like Gabriel’s or maybe sapphire blue like Michael’s? And what kind of things would it be able to see with those eyes? Or feel with real fingers?

“Little one.” The voice echoed in its head.
Cherubim sought out the owner, recognizing him as one of the creator’s most powerful. Lucifer. It knew this one better than almost any. His name struck awe and fear in any cherubim. He never interacted with them; never gave them a reason to change their perspective.

It focused on the archangel, indicating its attention.

“I’ve seen you watching the seraphim.” His intent was difficult to read.

Was it in trouble? Cherubim tried to keep the fear at bay and failed.

“It’s all right. It’s why I’m talking to you. Would you like to be one of them?”

Really? It could have that? It would do anything for that.


  1. I like this idea a lot, and the writing is very good. Clever pitch. I enjoyed being in the pov of the Cherubim for the opening.

    The only thing that tripped me up as I read was the thought that Cherubim has no senses, yet it wondered if its eyes would be blue like Gabriel's, etc. It hears things, visualizes things, and monitors angels. It has to have senses to do or know those things, doesn't it?

    Not sure what the solution would be, if you feel it needs one, but my mind kept popping out of the story to try to figure that out, so I thought I'd mention it.

    Enjoyed this.

  2. The pitch is perfect! I wouldn't change a thing. Loved it. Perfect flow, perfect intrigue.

    I liked the idea of Lucifer coming to give Cherubim what it wants. I would love even more hearing a description of Lucifer--it seems Cherubim is really into physical details and savors them. Seems like a great way to get in a description of Lucifer--a character who's probably a dream to explore and explain!

    I would definitely read on. I'm already feeling sympathetic toward Cherubim in just these first 250 words. I'm hooked on the character!