Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Julie

Julie Mulhern
Juliemulhern at msn dot com
Elixir – YA Paranormal

The Pitch – Inspired by Pride and Prejudice (without the zombies). When mysterious strangers move in to the house next door, Eden Frost is intrigued. When her sister, Helen, falls head over heels for one of them, she’s alarmed.
Now Eden must protect her sister from mean girls and love gone wrong - all while battling dark magic, primal evil and the stirrings of her own heart.


Eden yanked on the belt of her dark blue robe and tiptoed down the front staircase. Her soft slippers muffled her footsteps and she kept close to the wall to avoid the squeaky risers. Every few steps she paused, straining to discern something she wasn’t sure existed.

Something had awakened her. She’d laid in the comfort of her bed and idly listened for sounds in the house. She’d heard nothing. With a lazy yawn, she’d punched her pillow a time or two, nestled more deeply into the covers and closed her eyes to go back to sleep.

She’d begun to drift, her mind catching at the edge of a dream when she’d smelled something. Magic. A magic she didn’t recognize. It floated in breeze, wafting through her open window.

Eden jumped out of bed, grabbed her robe, jammed her feet into slippers and abandoned her bedroom for the hallway to search for its source.

At the bottom of the steps, shades of night cast the foyer in darkness. Eden sniffed. She smelled cinnamon and cayenne and lime mixed with something deeper and wilder. The scent bubbled, like it rose steaming from a roiling cauldron.

She made her quiet way through the formal living room, her mother’s office and the conservatory. Furniture loomed, monstrous in the shadows.

Her hand tightened around the handle to the screen porch and she paused, her heart beat running away from her. Suddenly, sneaking outside to investigate strange magic seemed foolish.

3 comments:

  1. The first paragraph seems repetitive. I think you could remove that and have a stronger opening.

    She smelled cinnamon and cayenne and lime mixed with something deeper and wilder. The scent bubbled, like it rose steaming from a roiling cauldron. This is one of my favorite lines. The description is really well written.

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  2. I agree with Jen. I got confused at one point because she was going down the stairs and then she was jumping out of bed. Apparently I had missed the transition as to why this happened. Get rid of that first paragraph and it will be much stronger.

    Great description. You've set up the mood of the opening scene nicely.

    Good luck!

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