Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Bronwyn

Name: Bronwyn Scott-McCharen

Email: bscottmcc (at) gmail (dot) com

Title and genre: ALL THAT GLITTERS--YA Paranormal

Pitch: Belén never believed in spirits. Until she meets the ghost of a girl who wants to see justice for her killer, Belén's former neighbor.


1st 250 words:

Until now, I never knew that ‘peso devaluation’ was a code for ‘moving to the other side of the city’ or that ‘the crisis’ meant ‘switching schools and spending my last year as a high school student away from my best friends.’ I never paid attention to the news headlines that constantly spoke of the shaky and fickle Argentine economy. That wasn’t my world. I didn’t care. It didn’t affect me. It wouldn’t affect me.

Or so I thought.

“This place is quite…bohemian.” My mother remarks.

“It’s nice enough.” My father sighs and puts his hands on his hips. He glances around our tiny new living room, while my mother cuts open one of the many cardboard boxes that lay on the dusty, hardwood floor. “You shouldn’t complain when we could be homeless.”

My mother frowns. “Not like this is any better,” she mumbles.

“At least I don’t have to share a room with Belén!” my younger brother Facundo shouts as he runs into the hallway. He surges through the open door and plops down on his bed. “She snores!”

I roll my eyes. “Belén, your room is over there.” My mother points to an open door at the far end of the hallway. She turns to my brother. “Facundo, quit it.”

Why not? I shrug my shoulders and decide to explore my new surroundings, my own private oasis where I can sit alone and read, or listen to music, or just think. Solitude is a virtue.

3 comments:

  1. I immediately feel sympathy for the MC, a good sign. I like your narrative voice a lot! I honestly think you could do without the opening paragraph. You could weave that into the story as it goes. It would make your opening more active.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. First off, I immediately like the bratty brother. :)

    Consider cutting some of the 'she mumbled' and 'he sighs.' I'm so calling the kettle black, because I do this in my writing, but some of the actions (hands of hips, shakes head) show me frustration or agitation.

    If you've experimented with a different beginning, some kind of 1-2 line hook that grabs the reader and refuses to let go, consider using that.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Marie at the Cheetah

    ReplyDelete
  3. Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

    Obat Penyumbatan Pembuluh Darah
    Obat Gangguan Fungsi Ginjal Pada Pria Dan Wanita
    Obat Pencegah Paru-Paru Basah
    Obat Gangguan Fungsi Hati
    Obat Migrain Alami Herbal

    ReplyDelete