Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Jessica

Name: Jessica Olivarez-Mazone

Title/Genre: Forsaken-YA Supernatural

Seth has chosen against the Archangels placing into motion a disruption of balance. Blood is the entrance to everything but who is the key? Seth or his love Miranda?

First 250 words:

Michael walked silently down the tabernacle, wings slack, as Gabriel told him the news. He sighed heavily, the number of fallen had been increasing every day. Even his most loyal warriors were not protected from the temptations of Earth.

Uriel stood rigid at the end of the hall outside of the throne room guarding a bloodied young man who struggled against the ties binding his wrists. His breathe was ragged as the ropes dug deeper into his flesh causing his wounds to bleed. Michael watched as his brother’s wings rose, opening so all could view their glorious darkness.

“Seth, why did you not come to me?” asked Michael gazing into his apprentice’s slate grey eyes trying to find an ounce of the na├»ve, yet willful young angel.

He grunted weakly as Gabriel pulled him up by one arm to his feet, staggering only for a moment as the heavy gilded armor was ripped from his body. The will to fight was gone now as he followed Michael into the throne room.

“Angel, I see the darkness that stains your wings, but I fear it has tainted your inner light as well.” said a hooded figure sitting upon the throne of life.

Seth no longer cowered in front of the Creator instead he defied him by staring into his golden eyes which burned with the power of the sun. He would not answer until the question was poised.


  1. I'm going to start with two caveats... 1) I tend to have a different taste in books than most people, so do take that into account 2) I haven't read any fallen angel books, so I have no idea how unique your plot is.

    That said, I love the opening just because it has Michael, Uriel, Gabriel and oh yeah, GOD, in it. And your main character is giving them all the proverbial middle finger. I find that fascinating, and I immediately want to know why.

    That said, if this is a prologue and the first chapter is Seth in high school, leading some sort of ordinary life...I don't know, I might be disappointed. I'm really fascinated by the conflict with the angels.

    In terms of writing, there are some indications here that your writing could be more polished. The last word of the last sentence, you say, "poised." I think you meant "posed," but that sends up a red flag that there could be other problems with the manuscript.

    Also, that last paragraph doesn't flow right. There needs to be some sort of pause somewhere in there, it comes off as a run-on sentence, even if it might technically not be one.

    Good luck! I'm very curious about this story.