Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Robin

Name: Robin Weeks
Email: robinweekswriter at gmail dot com
Title/Genre: GEAS / YA Urban Fantasy

Pitch:
When rebels use human-pixie hybrid Brina in their bid for power, she must choose: tradition or freedom, safety or justice… humans or pixies.

First 250 (well, 258):

Brina’s only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing. A second later, an elaborately folded magazine cover landed in her lap: a pterodactyl this time. Original. The complex folds obscured the picture, but Brina already knew that her face was lost somewhere inside. It had been taped to her locker (marked over with devil horns and a forked tail), stuck to the bathroom wall (with bat wings and fangs), and slipped inside her Biology book (with blacked out teeth and crossed eyes). It had been folded into airplanes and rolled into spit-wad shooters. It had been scribbled over with slurs of every kind. An anti-tribute to the only human-pixie hybrid in the world.

After the first ten, she’d stopped smiling and thanking the sender. After the first twenty, she’d stopped feeling sick every time and settled for numb. By 3:30, she had a collection of fifty or more. Us Magazine must be making a killing.

Without taking her eyes off the stage, Moira reached over, snatched the newest offering, viciously crumpled it, and jammed it into her backpack.

“Nice picture, freak,” hissed a voice behind them.

Moira’s face hardened, but Brina shook her head. “Not worth it.”

In the dim light of the high school auditorium, thirty minutes into auditions for A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Brina was too nervous to care anymore. Moira flashed a one-finger salute to the rear, Brina sighed, and they both went back to watching the stage.

Until the jerk behind them yanked on Brina’s glowing White wing, making her yelp.

6 comments:

  1. I love the premise of your story. You do an excellent job developing Brina's character and immediate struggles in the first page. I suggest losing the parentheses in the first paragraph. The words are perfect, so keep them, but find another form of punctuation to make it work. Fantastic.

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  2. I'm with Jamie. I LOVE the premise, but not the parentheses. Try an em-dash instead. :) But i have one question, why was she thanking the senders of hate mail? -Angela F.

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  3. Is it cheating to answer? If so, stop reading now.

    Sarcasm is less soul-destroying than anger. :)

    Thanks, Jamie and Angela!

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  4. I like this. I am already drawn into Brina's emotions which makes me want to read more. I agree with the parentheses - they threw me off in the beginning but your writing drew me right back into the story.

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  5. The pitch rocks! I definitely want more.

    Great opening sentence, but the second sentence slows it a bit. Maybe rework like this:
    Brina’s only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing, before a folded magazine cover landed in her lap A pterodactyl this time. An original.

    I also agree with removal of the parenthesis. Make them sentences instead of using the parenthesis and it should flow better.

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