Name: Robin Weeks
Email: robinweekswriter at gmail dot com
Title/Genre: GEAS / YA Urban Fantasy
Pitch:
When rebels use human-pixie hybrid Brina in their bid for power, she must choose: tradition or freedom, safety or justice… humans or pixies.
First 250 (well, 258):
Brina’s only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing. A second later, an elaborately folded magazine cover landed in her lap: a pterodactyl this time. Original. The complex folds obscured the picture, but Brina already knew that her face was lost somewhere inside. It had been taped to her locker (marked over with devil horns and a forked tail), stuck to the bathroom wall (with bat wings and fangs), and slipped inside her Biology book (with blacked out teeth and crossed eyes). It had been folded into airplanes and rolled into spit-wad shooters. It had been scribbled over with slurs of every kind. An anti-tribute to the only human-pixie hybrid in the world.
After the first ten, she’d stopped smiling and thanking the sender. After the first twenty, she’d stopped feeling sick every time and settled for numb. By 3:30, she had a collection of fifty or more. Us Magazine must be making a killing.
Without taking her eyes off the stage, Moira reached over, snatched the newest offering, viciously crumpled it, and jammed it into her backpack.
“Nice picture, freak,” hissed a voice behind them.
Moira’s face hardened, but Brina shook her head. “Not worth it.”
In the dim light of the high school auditorium, thirty minutes into auditions for A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Brina was too nervous to care anymore. Moira flashed a one-finger salute to the rear, Brina sighed, and they both went back to watching the stage.
Until the jerk behind them yanked on Brina’s glowing White wing, making her yelp.
Everyone is welcome to visit and stay for the fun. Author of PERFECTION, release date July 16, 2013, and FLAWED release date August 12, 2014. Published by Spencer Hill Press.
I love the premise of your story. You do an excellent job developing Brina's character and immediate struggles in the first page. I suggest losing the parentheses in the first paragraph. The words are perfect, so keep them, but find another form of punctuation to make it work. Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jamie. I LOVE the premise, but not the parentheses. Try an em-dash instead. :) But i have one question, why was she thanking the senders of hate mail? -Angela F.
ReplyDeleteIs it cheating to answer? If so, stop reading now.
ReplyDeleteSarcasm is less soul-destroying than anger. :)
Thanks, Jamie and Angela!
I like this. I am already drawn into Brina's emotions which makes me want to read more. I agree with the parentheses - they threw me off in the beginning but your writing drew me right back into the story.
ReplyDeleteThe pitch rocks! I definitely want more.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening sentence, but the second sentence slows it a bit. Maybe rework like this:
Brina’s only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing, before a folded magazine cover landed in her lap A pterodactyl this time. An original.
I also agree with removal of the parenthesis. Make them sentences instead of using the parenthesis and it should flow better.