Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission A.E.

Name: A.E. Martin
Title and genre: RAVENOUS DUSK (Urban Fantasy)

Pitch: Necromancer Blake loses control of her life when she goes from de-possessing people to unwillingly helping a gorgeous Reaper channel ghosts to the Underworld.

First 250 words:

The room was spinning, no wait, maybe I was the one spinning. I stopped and wobbled onto a bar stool.

“You know, it pisses me off that I live in a world where people just don’t go away when they die!” I said. “I mean, isn’t death supposed to be the ultimate end? The grand finale? The Big Bang?”

“Actually, the Big Bang is that theory by scientists about the formation of the universe…”

“Now Liam? Really?” I said, glaring at him. Liam sighed.

“Sorry, I forgot logic isn’t welcome during ‘drunken times with Blake’.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Now, where was I?” I got up again and started pacing. Liam was sitting hunched over the one beer he’d been nursing for the past hour, and watched as I chugged the rest of my beer, then demanded another from the bartender.

“Raving about people not being gone when they die,” Liam said dully. He actually took a drink; I must really be annoying the hell out of him tonight.

“Right! What’s with all the damn ghosts Liam? Did you know when I was twelve my grandmother’s ghost decided to jump into some old lady, ring my doorbell, and offer me candy from her purse?”

“Yes, I knew…”

“But she was in an Asian lady’s body!” I said. “That was my first clue something was off.”
“Maybe the first clue should have been that you already knew she was dead,” Liam said around a yawn.


  1. Haha, this dialogue is seriously hilarious. It flows really well too, and the setting hooked me from the get-go; seeing your MC drunk is one of the best ways to see what they're really like in a few sentences.

    This MC is so blunt, I love her! The premise is also ace. I do hope you place in the top!

  2. Your pitch pulled me in. De-possessing? I had to read more. Your dialogue is fresh. Consider pulling out some of the signposting. You've done a good job of setting up your dialogue and the character's voice so it is clear who is speaking after the first couple of lines.

  3. As Liz mentioned, you should be able to get rid of some of the he said and she said. The flow is clear enough that the reader can tell who's speaking.

    I like your drunk MC 'demanding' a new beer from the bartender. Your concept interests me. Watch the punctuation in your dialogue, like 'Now Liam?.' Should this be 'Now, Liam?' Other than that, it reads strong.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Marie at the Cheetah

  4. I really like this! Like everyone else said, your MC is spunky!

    I like how we know a lot about your story in the first couple of paragraphs without an info dump. Nice work.