Monday, April 18, 2011

Submission Scott

Name: Scott Springer

Pitch: Jenny O' looks for love but finds the half-life instead; so now it's #virtue vs. #zombie, and whichever wins, life as she knows it will end.

1st 250 words:

It's Friday evening after dinner and a girl just wants to have fun. Only instead, I'm sitting cross legged on my bed. Alone. I'm smacking on a wad of flavorless gum, my jaws chomping to the stale beat of a worn-out playlist. This sucks.

My mom peeks into my room and points to her ear. I pull one bud and tilt my head. She says, "Don't just sit there and mope, call Marcy."

Marcy's on a date, so I shrug my shoulders.

"Or call Carl. I'm sure he'd love to take you to that Zombie Fest I've heard so much about. And it's in Midtown." Her voice rises at the end like this is so exciting.

Only . . . so not.

Carl and zombies?

—are you kidding me right now?

I've known him since preschool. He used to eat his boogers. And he still laughs when he farts. So, let's just say he's not the one I'd swap my gum with.

But we are friends, so calling him is not totally out of line.

And my mom wants me to be happy. She stares at me. I stare back. You can totally tell I'm her daughter. Same skinny bones. Same sense of nerdy. We especially have the same red hair. Only, I hope I never look so earnest. She's got puppy dog eyes; but hey, Carl is not what I want. Friday night should be for love.


  1. This piece has SO much sass - I can't help but love the heck out of it. The writer obviously has a keen insight into the MC's mind. I'd definetly keep reading, even if I had just seen the premise! The 250 words bring it to a whole new, irresistable level.

    Good luck!

  2. I love your title - such a great hook all on its own.

    And your pitch and opening page have a lot of voice that stands out for sure. You've built up an almost apathetic, but not quite, main character that makes this seem like it'll be a great story.

    A couple of small things to keep an eye on - your character's voice is a little stilted in places. Like snark mixed with formality:

    '—are you kidding me right now?'
    consider losing the 'right now'

    'So, let's just say he's not the one I'd swap my gum with.'

    maybe something more like 'So, let's just say he's not the guy I'm thinking about swapping my gum with'

    'so calling him is not totally out of line. '
    try 'isn't' instead of 'is not'

    But even with that, you've got a great narration going on. Fantastic job ^_^