Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Entry 8 E. Arroyo

Title: Some Kind Of Trouble
Genre: YA Contemporary
Contact: elizabeth.arroyo5@gmail.com

Pitch: After a drive-by shooting leaves Arianna with an unexpected boyfriend, she finds that love alone won’t save him from life on the streets.

2nd Line: I once chanted one hundred and three thousand times in one night for my mom to get better.

2nd chptr:

I awoke the next morning with David standing beside my bed, already dressed.

“Where’s mom?” he asked.

“She’s at the clinic. What time is it?” I asked, still nestled under the covers.

“Seven.”

I jumped out of bed, got caught in the sheets and went sprawling to the floor. “Shit.” David laughed as I scampered to the bathroom. “Are you ready?” I asked him while brushing my teeth and pulling my hair in a tail. I had thirty minutes to drop him off and get my butt to school. I didn’t wait for him to answer. “Get my keys and turn on the car and come back inside.” I rinsed my mouth and ran to my room frantically searching for my school uniform, which I found where I had left it: on a chair near my bed. I grunted, threw it on and ran downstairs.

It was seven-ten when I grabbed my jacket and got in my car, three minutes after I realized I left David and went back for him, and six minutes after that I dropped him off at school. I got to school late.

I entered Mr. Hanlon’s class and froze. In the front row away from the door sat Rebecca Townsend. In my seat. I narrowed my eyes and wanted to remind her that she usually sat near the door with Marcus when Mr. Hanlon spoke.

“There’s a chair near the door,” he told me.
Of course there was a chair near the door. It was her spot. I turned and sat down hard, dropped my book bag on the floor and took off my jacket. This day could not get any worse.

I was so wrong.

6 comments:

  1. Hi, Elizabeth!

    Love your pitch. You can't get any more succinct than that. Beautiful. Your second line is also very intriguing. I personally wouldn't change a thing about either of those.

    Your 250-word snippet has a nice quick pace and an intriguing final line that would keep me reading. The only place I stumbled a bit was on the transition between dropping off David (I'm assuming he's a younger brother?) and entering Mr. Hanlon's class. It's a little too abrupt for me. But other than that it was a smooth read.

    Good luck with this! :D

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  2. I agree, this paragraph feels rushed: It was seven-ten when I grabbed my jacket and got in my car, three minutes after I realized I left David and went back for him, and six minutes after that I dropped him off at school. I got to school late.

    That's all I'd fix.

    Great job!

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  3. I'm intrigued by your pitch! I want to know how this boyfriend is 'unexpected'.

    There were a few rough patches in the 250 words, especially the paragraph the others mentioned. Take a little more time over it, and the line where you say 'I left David', it should be 'I'd left David'.

    I'd certainly read on...

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  4. pitch: intriguing, especially the unexpected part.

    2nd line: good. immediately creates sympathy for the narrator because it strongly implies that her mom is not going to get better.

    first 250: The only thing I'd say is that you should separate paragraphs whenever someone new is speaking (you may have done so in the original manuscript but if so it didn't translate over) and get rid of some of the asked. There's too many, I think. Loved how this ended with her being forced to take a seat that isn't hers. Not only did Rebecca steal her spot but the teacher apparently allowed it. That would put anyone in a foul mood and it creates more sympathy for the narrator.

    Definitely liked this. Good luck :)

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