Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Entry 6 Bethany

Title: MARTYR
Genre: Paranormal Thriller
Contact: Bethany Ray

PITCH: When she is thrust unwillingly into a deadly feud between politics and the mafia, all Evelyn wants to do is save the Senator's daughter. In order to do that, she has to be willing to go on the offensive, sacrificing her own safety - and possibly her own life.

SECOND SENTENCE OF FIRST CHAPTER: "You know ignoring my dad isn't going to help. He'll just send the secret service after you."

FIRST 250 OF SECOND CHAPTER:
The sun shining through my living room windows woke me up a week later much earlier than normal. The blackout curtains in my own bedroom let me sleep in as late as I wanted on the weekends, something Chloe was probably enjoying very much.

Already annoyed with waking up on my couch in a house my money was paying for; my body flexed and stretched the kinks and tightness. The white leather couch was aesthetically pleasing, especially with the cream colored carpeting and the bright green walls of living room. It wasn’t, however, comfortable enough to sleep on.

Perturbed and in need of more sleep, my hand was already on the knob to my bedroom door when rustling came from inside. Not wanting to walk in on my guest, I stood in front of the door assuming she would emerge shortly and let me have my room. Instead, after a few moments the sound of the showering from my master bathroom sounded.

Wrapping the quilt from the couch tighter around my shoulders, I opted for coffee instead of my own shower and clean clothes. It was only the first day of my new living arrangement, and already I was missing Amber. While she might have been a bitch and a little bit crazy, she at least knew how much I loved sleeping in my own bed and taking a shower first thing in the morning.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her furniture would be coming soon. The semester started even sooner. The more than modest salary coming in was enough to make me grin and bear it.

3 comments:

  1. I like this. There is a few suggestions I have made for tightening. movement. Combining. Hope it helps. Good luck!


    This first paragraph could be tighter: A week later, I’m up earlier than normal. The blackout curtains in my own bedroom helped shield away light, making it easier to sleep in as late as I wanted on weekends. This was something Chloe was probably enjoying very much.

    This second and third paragraph can be combined. First you repeat how she is we know she’s annoyed and perturbed which pretty much means the same thing that she slept on a couch, and is lacking sleep so how about this: Already perturbed from waking up at(insert time) on my couch, I flexed and stretched out the kinks and tightness in my body. I walked over to the bedroom door and placed my hand on the knob. There was rustling sounds coming from the room. Not wanting to walk in on my guest, I stood in front of the door assuming she would emerge shortly and let me have my room. Instead, after a few moments the sounds of showering come from my master bathroom.

    The last two paragraphs: My annoyance level hit an all time quota. Snatching the quilt from the couch, I wrapped it tight around my shoulders, and opted for coffee over my own shower and change of clothes. It was only the first day of my new living arrangement, and already I was missing Amber. While she might have been a bitch and a little bit crazy, she at least knew how much I loved sleeping in my own bed and taking a shower first thing in the morning.

    I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her furniture would be coming soon. The semester started even sooner. The more than modest salary coming in was enough to make me grin and bear it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The pitch is intriguing but I wonder what the importance of saving the senator's daughter is.

    Your paragraphs were not badly written but they were not really captivating. Since it's the second chapter I'm sure we'd know who the characters you named are, but maybe you can move through the waking up...going to her room...going to get coffee quicker so we get to more important parts of the story.

    ReplyDelete