tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post3702796037013422182..comments2024-03-27T02:20:51.751-05:00Comments on J.L. Spelbring: Entry 8 E. ArroyoAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-12514187695321175422011-07-17T23:03:45.226-05:002011-07-17T23:03:45.226-05:00Thanks everyone!Thanks everyone!E. Arroyohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06634213563563094173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-67668821698955871652011-07-16T10:25:52.162-05:002011-07-16T10:25:52.162-05:00pitch: intriguing, especially the unexpected part....pitch: intriguing, especially the unexpected part.<br /><br />2nd line: good. immediately creates sympathy for the narrator because it strongly implies that her mom is not going to get better.<br /><br />first 250: The only thing I'd say is that you should separate paragraphs whenever someone new is speaking (you may have done so in the original manuscript but if so it didn't translate over) and get rid of some of the asked. There's too many, I think. Loved how this ended with her being forced to take a seat that isn't hers. Not only did Rebecca steal her spot but the teacher apparently allowed it. That would put anyone in a foul mood and it creates more sympathy for the narrator.<br /><br />Definitely liked this. Good luck :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-72152885888582248282011-07-14T22:46:55.669-05:002011-07-14T22:46:55.669-05:00I'm intrigued by your pitch! I want to know h...I'm intrigued by your pitch! I want to know how this boyfriend is 'unexpected'.<br /><br />There were a few rough patches in the 250 words, especially the paragraph the others mentioned. Take a little more time over it, and the line where you say 'I left David', it should be 'I'd left David'.<br /><br />I'd certainly read on...Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-36358895479406265192011-07-14T11:15:50.707-05:002011-07-14T11:15:50.707-05:00I agree, this paragraph feels rushed: It was seven...I agree, this paragraph feels rushed: It was seven-ten when I grabbed my jacket and got in my car, three minutes after I realized I left David and went back for him, and six minutes after that I dropped him off at school. I got to school late.<br /><br />That's all I'd fix.<br /><br />Great job!A. J. Spindlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08963966269707893895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-28272584945173835342011-07-13T09:22:10.201-05:002011-07-13T09:22:10.201-05:00Hi, Elizabeth!
Love your pitch. You can't get...Hi, Elizabeth!<br /><br />Love your pitch. You can't get any more succinct than that. Beautiful. Your second line is also very intriguing. I personally wouldn't change a thing about either of those.<br /><br />Your 250-word snippet has a nice quick pace and an intriguing final line that would keep me reading. The only place I stumbled a bit was on the transition between dropping off David (I'm assuming he's a younger brother?) and entering Mr. Hanlon's class. It's a little too abrupt for me. But other than that it was a smooth read.<br /><br />Good luck with this! :DLydia Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15328254761920829040noreply@blogger.com