Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Entry 13 Erin L Schneider

Genre: YA Contemporary Thriller
Contact: elschneider@hotmail.com

1) Pitch:

For over six hundred years, 99.9% of the world’s most powerful and influential leaders, scientists, CEOs - and yes, even most of Hollywood’s elite – successfully achieved greatness because of one thing…they were chosen. When a mysterious invitation shows up at sixteen-year-old Blakely Sullivan’s door, she can’t help but wonder what she’s gotten herself into now. Little does she know, she’s the next in line.

2) The second line of the very first paragraph of the 1st chapter:

Those were the only words in perfect, jet-black calligraphy that crossed the formal white parchment of the invitation.

3) The first 250 words of your second chapter:

"First things first, I'm sure you're all wondering who I am. My name is Thaddeus Vaughan, but please, call me Thad; I’m the Dean here at Oren Preparatory.” He shifted slightly in his seat as he rested his hands along the surface of the table. “In order for us all to get to know one another, why don't we go around the table, introduce ourselves, and tell everyone one interesting fact, shall we?" He motioned to the boy sitting to his left, who sat across from me.

"Reid Whittley, nice to meet you all. And one thing about me? I’ve been riding and racing motorcycles since the age of four." He said it with such a matter-of-fact tone as he nodded at everyone around the room, until his frost blue eyes came to rest on mine. Unlike the glare he'd given me earlier, this time his lips curled up into a devilish grin as he winked my way; the motion lightning fast, I'm not sure if anyone else around me noticed. I found myself blushing – the twinge of déjà vu I’d seen that wink before, flittered at the back of my mind - as I turned my gaze to the girl sitting next to him.

"Hello, my name is Naomi Forbes and yes, it’s a pleasure to meet you all. Let’s see, one thing about me is that I entered and won the Miss California Teen USA pageant last year." She smiled a cheesy, politician-style grin at everyone around the table, but it faded as it got to me.


  1. I love this entry! It's so intriguing and I'm dying to know more :)

  2. Hi!

    Love your title and pitch. I would definitely read this.

    Also loved your second line. The only thing that stood out to me was the term "jet-black." I think you can just say "black." The "jet" really adds nothing, and makes it sound cliche'.

    Definitely got a creepy vibe from the 250-word snippet. Nice tension. The only thing I would change is you have a tense slip here: "I'm not sure if anyone else around me noticed." Everything else is in past tense, and I don't see any reason why this shouldn't also be in past tense -- "I wasn't sure if anyone..."

    Other than that, I really enjoyed this. Good luck! :D