Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Entry 12 A. E. Martin

Title: Graveyard Phoenix
Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy
Contact: aje237@yahoo.com

Pitch: When necromancer Blaise Evarin suddenly starts resurrecting people who get four days of true life again, she has to deal with severe political and religious backlash. Things become more complicated when several of her recent resurrections remain alive, go berserk, and embark on murderous rampages. And that's only problem number one.

Second line of first paragraph: I fought not to show my annoyance at the whimpering, weeping woman as I took the blood from her; I don't even know why she'd picked it up.

First 250 of 2nd chapter:

After Gideon seemed stable enough with the resurrection, I called his family over and they smothered him. I stepped back to collect the empty blood container, and watched as the grave diggers covered the open grave with a tarp. Since Gideon would be going back down in a few days, it didn't make sense to fill it up again.

His family was doing a lot of hugging and crying, but Gideon seemed to be in shock, because he was holding himself stiffly and avoiding eye contact with them. Everyone came back acting differently. Some were back to themselves in a snap, and others screamed and wailed for an hour before they could be made to understand what was going on. Gideon seemed to be an internal, confused screamer.

Once again, watching a person who'd been dead not ten minutes ago walking, breathing, and talking, made me feel strange. I couldn’t help but think that no one should have this sort of power, least of all me. These past months I’d worked hard at not letting hysterics get the best of me every time I had to do this, but it was always a struggle. The fact that in four days I’d be back here watching Gideon succumb to death for the second time didn’t make it any easier.
Stop thinking so damn much, I said to myself. If I continued down this road I'd end up losing my mind. I took a deep breath and walked over to the Tillars.

5 comments:

  1. Pitch:
    I would take out the word "suddenly" in the first sentence and just say "...Blaise Evarin starts resurrecting..." It makes the pitch stronger. Avoid words like suddenly, it takes away from the action. Other that that, I really liked the pitch.

    I really love your 250 words. It pulled me in and made me want more. I don't think I would change anything. I really feel bad for Gideon. He's so lost and confused and I think you really captured that.

    Great job!

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  2. Pitch: It leaves me with a lot of questions that could possibly be addressed in the pitch itself. Why does Blaise have to do this at all? Just because she can? Why do they get four days? Who are the antagonists? Right now they are part of a blanket of political and religious backlash. I want to know who, specifically, is against her. I would also go further in your pitch and remove the word "starts" b/c it makes the sentence more passive. Don't have characters start and begin things; just have them do it. Perhaps you can eliminate "suddenly starts" and replace it with "Blaise ressurects people..." then go on to give a little background as to why or how.

    2nd line: I always stop when I come across alliteration in prose ("whimpering, weeping woman"). It works better in poetry, in my opinion.

    250 words: The idea is intriguing, but I am left here with so many questions, too. Why does she have to do this? Why would people want her to if they are going to lose their loved ones again in four days? Of course, this may all be explained in other areas of the novel since this is only a small snippet of the story as a whole.

    Good luck!

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  3. Hi A.! :)

    First initial thoughts - I'm definitely intrigued by your submit! I think this is a really cool premise and it has tons of potential!

    Pitch:

    I'd make a couple of tweaks to your pitch and clean it up just a bit - maybe something like:

    When necromancer Blaise Evarin realizes she has the ability to resurrect the dead - giving them four days of true life again - the severe political and religious backlash she receives is just the beginning. Things go from bad to worse, when several of her recent resurrections remain alive, go berserk, and embark on murderous rampages. And that's only problem number one.

    First Sentence: No issues here!

    250 Submit:

    In the first sentence, not sure if "smothered" is the best fit here. It made it sound like they tried to kill him all over again, vs. showering him in embraces because they were so happy - that was just my initial thought, when I read through it the first time.

    Last paragraph:

    "Stop thinking so damn much, I said to myself. If I continued down this road I'd end up losing my mind. I took a deep breath and walked over to the Tillars."

    I'd make this it's own paragraph. I think the internal conflict she's struggling with warrants being called out on it's own.

    Overall:

    Really great job here! I'd definitely read on, for sure. And like the above comment, yes I'm left with questions - BUT...that's what would make me want to read more, to find out the answers! Besides, this is just 250 words, and it already has me asking all sorts of things in my head - and as long as you answer the questions throughout the book, it's all about the journey that gets me there, that matters to me!

    Best of luck in the contest!

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  4. Thank you everyone for the feedback!

    ReplyDelete