Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Endings #10

Name: Cynthia Elomaa

Title of Manuscript: The Tournament

Description:

Tony knew making a new life for himself wasn’t going to be easy, but things start to get complicated when Tico, Tony’s brother steals money from the gang that is needed to pay off a debt. Miguel, the leader of the gang turns the gang against Tony in his search for Tico and in his efforts to keep his new friends safe Tony tries to distance himself from everyone. Tony doesn’t know who he can turn too or who he can trust. He misses his gang of brothers more than he thought, he is worried about Tico, and he can’t seem to stay away from Michelle. Rumors are saying Tico is in trouble, but Tony can’t reach him and he doesn’t know how. He just prays Tico finds him before Miguel does.

Ending:

“Where are you going ass hole?” Miguel followed me.

“Just nervous energy. Do you want me to stop?” I asked talking more to Mark then Miguel.

“Stop there. Good.” Mark said in my ear.

“Knock it off Tony, and hand King the money.”

“I'd love too.” I said then there was a pop, and Miguel went down. I ran for Michelle and grabbed her before she fell to the ground. I turned to see Tico twist King's arm behind his back and pushed him to the against the wall. I kept my eyes focused on King. Older or not the man was in good shape and I knew he wasn't going to let it go that easily. King pushed against Tico throwing him off of him. He turned and charged at Tico.

“Are you alright?” I asked Michelle as I untied her hands and took the gag out of her mouth.

“I'm fine.” Michelle threw her arms around me. I pushed them away. “Sorry, I'll be right back.” I looked around for Philippe as I got up but couldn't find him anywhere. I ran over to Tico to help him out.

I watched as King swung at Tico who lost his footing hit his head and fell to the ground. On instinct I jumped at King. He saw me coming though and swung at me getting me in the ribs. It almost winded me, but I stood right back up ready to block. He swung at me again, I ducked. The room slowly was trashed as valuables got broken, tables were smashed, instruments fell.

Suddenly there was a loud bang and the doors blew open, smoke filled the room; then the cops came in yelling and screaming for everyone to get down. I would have gotten down as instructed if King didn't have me in a head lock trying to gouge out my eyes. Suddenly King was pulled off of me, I dropped to the ground gasping for breath. Once the smoke cleared enough I saw two police men walk King out in hand cuffs. Miguel still lay on the floor where we left him. I felt arms wrap around me and pulled Michelle in close to hug her. I looked around the room to find Tico. I found him on the other side of the room being put on a gurny. Philippe finally found was next to him. He face was all beat up but he was smiling at me. I walked over to see where he was hurt.

“It's okay. It's just my shoulder. I'll be fine.”

“I keep getting you shot.”

“Yeah, it's okay, I'm getting used to it.” I laughed as I took his hand and squeezed it.

“It's over.” My voice sound far away to me.

“Hey, now you too can concentrate on getting your life in order.” Philippe smiled.

3 comments:

  1. What an exciting ending! But I think you can do more with it. Let the fight play out in more detail so the tension is really high when the cops burst in. I think you lose the tension when you cut to 'The room slowly was trashed as valuables got broken, tables were smashed, instruments fell.' instead of describing the action.

    Also, there are a lot of punctuation errors here, and a few typos. Proofreading is your friend....

    Good luck!

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  2. I agree with Kate. I think you can definitely draw this out and give more details to really put the reader in the scene with Tony.

    I also agree about the punctuation and typos. There are a lot of missing commas.

    Finally, I will add that this feels like the climax of your story, rather than the ending. Read through the endings of some of your favorite novels and see how the author finishes. Generally speaking, you will usually see a climax (like what you have here), followed by a chapter or so of denouement, or closure to the story.

    Good luck!

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