Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Endings #21

Name: Keisha

150 word description
Seventeen -year old Soreise Morgan obsessed with classic Jane Austen’s novels, loses sight of reality and immense herself in the fictional world to cope with her alcoholic and neglectful mother. Her reality is distorted when she begins to obsess about being part of the world and all her problems would be gone, believing the only way she could enter Jane Austen’s world, is through death Soriese makes a grave decision and in Bath, England, Soriese jumps off a cliff but, instead of entering the fictional world she ends up in the eternal realm and has to get someone from the mortal world to remember her, which will enable the fates to give her a second life; things don’t quite go that way when dark entities shake things up and the fates instead burden Soriese with a quest to kill the evil Morgath and save the other realms from her wrath.

ENDING 500 words
When they returned onto the road, they were confronted by Jared, a red-eyed pale Jared.

“You deceived me.”

Soriese looked at the others. They were speechless staring at Jared.

“You’re not real. You were killed. I killed you, you’re supposed to be in the underworld.”

“What appears may not always be what it seems, your heart quickly has led to Josh, I will enjoy the moment when he dies.” Josh maneuvered in front of Soriese. “He’s a demon. All that happened when you killed Morgath it was like a mirage lies. He is working for her. He gave his soul to Morgath, and whatever you do don’t second guess his intentions that he is heart stricken for you, he will kill you in a heartbeat.”

“How many times must you die? I loved you, still love you.” Jared smiled. His red eyes glowed like fire.” He took out his dagger. “Would you kill your first love?” He changed now looking like how he did when they were in Bath, England, he moved toward Soriese, and instantly she felt enchanted by him. The yell from the others was blocked out. “That’s it ignore them come into the darkness, we will have a future together forever”

“You’re not real. I killed you.” Soriese was back in Bath, England in the park with Jared. She knew it wasn’t real and as much as it pained her. She had to fight to come out of the trance.

“Jared, I did love you but not anymore.” Jared lunged at her, his hand tightly around her neck.

She returned to the Eternal realm. She pierced the dagger in Jared’s chest, who belted out a loud scream and then exploded and his remains broke down into tiny molecules and disappeared.

Soriese fell onto her knees hands placed on her head, her insides raw with intense emotion. She felt as if everything around her was spinning—she felt out of control she screamed. “I feel like I’m going crazy, what is real, what’s not?” Josh approached Soriese and tried to comfort her, but she moved away flaring up her hands, “I need space. Jared is gone and I freaking don’t know if that means forever, Josh made another attempt. Amethyst felt she should’ve been by Soriese side, but she was caught up in her own emotions as well, Josh mentioned they are in the heart of the storm, and before they see sunlight, they will endure plenty of heartbreak.

“I don’t want to hear your metaphors. I don’t know what to do, do you all hear me? We are all burdened on a quest where we at any time will be tested, seeing Jared as a demon was worse than when I killed him, I don’t know if he’s even dead, where is the boy I fell in love with?”

Amethyst approached Soriese. She had regained composure, and in this moment she had to be strong and support her friend, who she had formed a close bond with.


  1. The premise you have set up is very interesting! :)

    However, this ending needs some work. There is a lot of missing punctuation and run-on sentences. The dialogue is unrealistic, and sometimes unclear who is speaking and to whom they are speaking. Finally, this isn't solidly in one point-of-view. Choose one character and stay in that person's head (probably Soriese), even in third-person.

    Like I said, the premise is intriguing. Clean up the prose a bit, and you'll have a great manuscript. :) Good luck!