Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Endings #12

Name: Jordan Mierek

Title of manuscript: KISTISHI ISLAND

150 word description of your story: Sixteen-year-old Serena Cole can kick serious butt thanks to young women only she can see. School bullies aren’t a problem, but Serena’s mental health might be. To shield Serena from a dark secret, her family tries to convince her that her friends are imaginary.

Fleeing her distrustful aunt, Serena joins her mother on an archeological dig at Kistishi Island. There, Serena discovers an ancient scroll and realizes her invisible friends have never been imaginary; rather, they are goddesses native to the island, and they are in danger of enslavement for their abilities. The queen of Kistishi craves their powers so she will never have to bow to deities again. Only Serena can save her friends if she can discover the past her family has hidden her entire life – the reason why only she can see the goddesses.


500 words:
January settled into the sand by Serena’s head to preen her matted hair.

“You know something,” Serena whispered. “I think I’m gonna be okay with leaving my mom here, because I’ll always have you guys. Forever.”

“Forever,” Wahrheit, the Goddess of Truth, said.

A light streaked across the sky. Serena wondered if it was one of the fleeing Kistishian Gods or Goddesses.

“Dear Dad,” she said. “I found you, but I don’t think this is where my life is.” Although she didn’t want to stay with him, a stranger, she couldn’t wait to give him the letters that remained in her notebook.

#

Her father sat on a long sofa of red velvet, a glass of merlot in his hand. His dark skin mingled with his pale purple eyes. His black hair, with a few streaks of gray, was fastened at his neck in a queue. He wore white pants, a white blouse, and a jeweled belt. She’d never seen any man so handsome.

Serena stood across the room, the letters clutched in her hand, her heart racing.

“Dad?” The word dropped from her mouth to plink the floor.

He coughed into his fist. “If you feel comfortable calling me that, all right.”

“I never thought I’d really have a dad.” She studied his face, recognizing her nose and eyes in his. “I used to hope you were still alive, but then, I knew it was impossible, and it was silly of me to think that.”

“I never knew you existed.” He stared into his merlot. “I apologize for that. If I’d known, I would have found you.”

“Don’t blame Mom. She didn’t mean to make trouble.” Despite her faults, Sophia was still her mother. Serena couldn’t find hatred in her heart for the woman.

The king lifted his gaze. “I could never hate your mother. I hope we can become closer now.”
“I hope so, too.” Serena giggled. Her father was supposed to marry Sophia now. She would have actual parents, even if they lived on an island far away.

Silence fell. He took a sip. She studied an ocean painting on his beige walls. “Is this your office?”
“My thinking room.” He rose from the sofa and crossed the room to a table of bottles. “Would you like a drink? I have mango juice.”

She licked her lips. “That would be great. Thank you.”

He poured orange liquid into a glass and held it out to her. “Come join me. I would like to hear about your life.” When she accepted the drink, he rested his hand on her back to lead her to his sofa. “I want to learn how to be a…dad.”

Serena grinned. “I wrote these for you. I was going to burn them, because Krieg said that’s how you talk to the dead, but she was going to do it and she never did. Maybe she was going to actually give them to you.”

“Maybe.” He accepted her bundle. “We’ll read them together.”

4 comments:

  1. Hey Jordan,

    So sorry you didn't get any comments - I thought I'd go through and help out if I can :)

    A couple of thoughts:

    - I found the imagery of dropping onto the sand to "preen" her hair a little odd, as it's something I'd have thought birds do more than people/goddesses. Is there another way you can express this perhaps? Eg, "January dropped down to the sand beside my head. She combed her fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes as I began to relax."

    - "“Dear Dad,” she said. “I found you, but I don’t think this is where my life is.” Although she didn’t want to stay with him, a stranger, she couldn’t wait to give him the letters that remained in her notebook." - this feels rather random, like it's just dropped in, particularly since you don't mention that she's composing a letter in her mind, or that her father's hovering in the distance overhearing her, or something. But obvs if it's explained in earlier parts of the book, that would be fine :)

    - The description of her father has an awful lot of adjectives in it - can you cut back? Also, I wonder if it's tilted a little bit too much toward the sort of description you'd give the guy you were going to fall in love with, rather than a father? Just a thought.

    - The word dropped from her mouth to plink the floor. - love this :) Maybe "on" after "plink"?

    - "I was going to burn them, because Krieg said that’s how you talk to the dead, but she was going to do it and she never did." - I'm afraid this sentence tripped me up. Is there any way to clarify what you're trying to say?

    I hope that helps. Good luck with it - it sounds like an intriguing story :)

    Hugs,

    Rach

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  2. Thank you, Rachel. I realize I might not be supposed to comment on the comments, but as I read through what you said, I felt the need to point something out. January is a crow, that's why she preens. The letters are also addressed throughout the book, along with Krieg burning. I mostly just wanted to point out that January is a bird, in case the jarred anyone else.

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  3. Haha, that makes sense Jori :) I thought it was supposed to be one of the goddesses *grins* Thanks for the clarification.

    Hugs,

    Rach

    ReplyDelete