Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Endings #3

Name: Alyson

Title of Manuscript: Marshal Me

Description:

Alice has a charmed life. Dead end job cleaning public restrooms for Chicago Transit, a Grade-A loser ex-boyfriend stalking her, and the highlight of her existence—Reed, the sexy voiced US Marshal she met when he misdialed her number. It was a match made in cell phone heaven.

The probability of her meeting Reed in the flesh is slim, but when Alice walks in on two prison escapees thumping an L-train engineer in the head with a sledge hammer, she becomes the next victim on their hit list. It’s up to Reed to hunt her down and rescue her, US Marshal style—handcuffed and shackled to the backseat of his squad car.

With her luck, two murderers on her trail and her ex in a jealous rage, Alice may never connect with the man of her dreams. If she could convince Reed to ditch the handcuffs and find the elusive murderers, she might have a chance at true love.

The Last 500 Words:

“Well, that was the most unusual manhunt I’ve ever been on,” Janalee sniffled as she packed up her dismantled rifle.

“I would think you’d appreciate the change of pace,” Reed said.

“I did. Really, it was a blast, but I’ve never been so invested in the outcome before.”

“Oh, stop your whining,” Pax said. “This was the most fun I’ve had in years!” He made a move towards me and thankfully he crushed me in a bear hug instead of laying another slobbery kiss on me.

“Even if you weren’t Reed’s girl, I’d like you,” he said into my hair.

“Thanks, Pax.”

Pax released me and Janalee was crying again behind him. She wasn’t the hugging type, but her burst of emotion, even though it made her face twitch out of control, was enough.

“So, Anderson,” Reed said gripping the youngest Marshal’s shoulder until he flinched. “You still want that transfer?”

“Please say yes,” Pax muttered.

I spun around and grabbed Anderson’s arm. “No! Don’t be transferred. Stay!”

Anderson seemed to be caught like a dear in the headlights, stuck between making a snap decision and trying to function normally.

“Let him go, Alice,” Janalee said as she wiped her eyes.

“Are you kidding? Anderson saved Reed tonight. He was the one to take down Kaplan. He can’t go now!”

Pax and Janalee looked dumb shocked, but Reed gave me an approving nod.

“You actually fired your gun?” Pax said, his mouth hanging wide open.

“Do you even know how?” Janalee asked cynically.

Anderson scowled at the pair, but turned to me with a wan smile. “I don’t think I could say no to you, even if I wanted to. I’ll stay.”

“I know exactly how that feels,” Reed said wryly. “I’ll send in your evaluation on Monday with my recommendation to stay on with USMS.”

“I’ll send in the eval,” Pax said pointedly. “I don’t want to see you in the office for a good week.”

Reed looked clueless for less than a second. “That’s right. I’ll be on my honeymoon,” he said and opened the squad car door for me. “It’s about time I took a vacation.”

After today, this ‘vacation’ was going to be all about getting Reed out of his bullet-proof vest and keeping it off. Along with his shirt, pants and anything else that got in my way.

I got in the car and looked back at Reed’s team probably exposing every tooth in my mouth, I was grinning so widely. Janalee was using Pax’s sleeve as a hanky to bawl into and Anderson looked vastly relieved and far more relaxed than I’d seen him all day. Reed got in and took my hand, tethering me back to earth.

“Where to, Alice?” Reed said jovially as he switched on the siren and pulled out of the alley.

“Home.” The word rolled off my tongue as if it had belonged there all my life. And wherever
Reed was, it would be home to me.

4 comments:

  1. Wow, it's difficult to say how the ending works without having read the novel.

    The decision to reject the transfer is clearly anticipated even knowing nothing about this. I thought the honeymoon was a nice surprise as it alludes to a wedding during the novel. (Not expected in what seemed like it would be a thriller.)

    I'm not sure what Janalee's age is, but my impression of her is that she's a bit of a crybaby. This could also be comical and I'm just missing the inside joke for reasons aforementioned.

    I was a bit confused with her gun familiarity. She's joking about firing it but she has it disassembled at the beginning and sounds like a sharp shooter.

    Really liked the line about removing the bullet proof vest and anything else that got in the way. That's funny in any context.

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  2. Without reading the rest of the book, it's hard to know if this is a satisfying ending. I hope it is!

    On a technical note, you use a lot of adverbs, especially in your dialogue tags. Use actions or facial expressions to show the way the words are spoken instead, or use stronger verbs. Eg: instead of 'said pointedly' just use 'said' and have the character give a pointed glare (or something along those lines)

    Good luck!

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  3. Try to avoid -ly words. They weaken the prose. Also, there's a lot of characters in this, which I may have come to know throughout the novel, but I felt a bit lost.

    A satisfying ending to a romantic novel.

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