Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Endings #1

Name: Larissa

Title of Manuscript: That Succs

Description: When fifteen-year-old romantic Emmy Duivel puts her first date in the hospital—with a kiss—her mother tells her the devastating truth: she’s not human. In order to accept what she is, she must give up her dreams of true love, and her feelings for classmate Paul, who has secrets of his own.

Last 500 words:
Paul snorted and ran a hand through his hair. “Damn it, Em. You’re killing me. Why would I say that? Let’s see. I’ve told you I love you three or four times now, but you haven’t once told me how you feel.” He crossed his arms, frustration plain on his face.

Oh, wow. I really should have seen that coming. This only happens in about every other romance novel I’ve ever read.
I slid off the bed and walked slowly over to him. He really was annoyed with me, because I had to unfold his arms and wrap them around myself. Remembering how he’d told me in the park, I lifted my hands to his cheeks and gazed into his eyes.

“Of course I love you, Paul.”

Relief flashed through his eyes, but it was quickly replaced with distrust. “Why now?”

“What do you mean?” It was hard to catch my breath. Why didn’t he believe me?

His eyes narrowed, boring into mine. “Why are you suddenly willing to say it now? Are you just saying it because of what I said?” He pulled a hand through his hair, then gripped my shoulders. “I want you to tell me how you really feel, not what you think I want to hear.”

Crap. How had I screwed up so badly? “I didn’t say it before because I’m an idiot. And I’m not just saying it because of what you said.” Closing my eyes, I tried to figure out how to say what I felt. I’d always sucked at expressing my feelings, which was why I usually avoided conflict. But I couldn’t avoid this conversation, and I couldn’t afford to mess it up. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and met his. “I’ve had a giant crush on you since you sat next to me in History on the first day of school. When I asked you out and you said no, it crushed me, and I thought it broke my heart. But this—” I took his hand from my shoulder and held it in my own. “What I feel for you now is nothing compared to that. I thought I knew what love was, but it’s more than I could have imagined. It’s bigger than anything I could have read in some romance novel. That’s how I know it’s real.” I lifted his hand to my cheek and held it there. “I love you.” I wanted to say more, but when I opened my mouth to speak, he captured it with his and it was all I could do to just breathe.

Then he broke the kiss and leaned his forehead to mine. “I love you, too.”

We had a difficult road ahead of us, and nothing would bring Mom back, but in that moment, hope filled my heart. We had lost so much, but we had each other, and that would be enough. It had to be.

4 comments:

  1. There's some room for tightening.

    "This only happens in about every other romance novel I’ve ever read."

    Take out OTHER.

    "He really was annoyed with me, because I had to unfold his arms and wrap them around myself. Remembering how he’d told me in the park, I lifted my hands to his cheeks and gazed into his eyes."

    Rephrase to "I could tell he was annoyed with me..." and "Remembering what he'd told me..."

    The paragraph that starts "Crap..." is much too long. Split it up into separate paragraphs with the dialogue.

    I like the concept of this piece. Good luck!

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  2. Crap. How had I screwed up so badly? “I didn’t say it before because I’m an idiot. And I’m not just saying it because of what you said.” Closing my eyes, I tried to figure out how to say what I felt. I’d always sucked at expressing my feelings, which was why I usually avoided conflict. But I couldn’t avoid this conversation, and I couldn’t afford to mess it up. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and met his. “I’ve had a giant crush on you since you sat next to me in History on the first day of school. When I asked you out and you said no, it crushed me, and I thought it broke my heart. But this—” I took his hand from my shoulder and held it in my own. “What I feel for you now is nothing compared to that. I thought I knew what love was, but it’s more than I could have imagined. It’s bigger than anything I could have read in some romance novel. That’s how I know it’s real.” I lifted his hand to my cheek and held it there. “I love you.” I wanted to say more, but when I opened my mouth to speak, he captured it with his and it was all I could do to just breathe.

    I love this premise, however this section needs more tweaking in the sense, its an epic moment the MC revealing her feelings,starting off with crap threw me away from scene, and I agree its way too long, also have the love intrest do mopre maybe he moves closer, etc. In regards to when you say looked frustrated show this, is the person fidgeting or perhaps a specefic trait that the person does and more dialogue. Good luck with your story and TYSM for being my first cririque =0)

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  3. First, I think the name Emmy is very unique. I found your conclusion satisfying, even though I’m not familiar with the rest of the story. I really like the emotion you use. Your characters come to life. For a bit of criticism, the ending sounds slightly cliché. Many stories end with a love scene, where the characters manage to come together and proclaim their love.

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