Sunday, March 20, 2011

Submission #4

NAME: PK Hrezo

TITLE: Starsong (YA contemp)

I will flat out die of embarrassment if Tanner Westin sees my notebook.

Victor is carrying it under his arm. He’s twice my size with a face like a puppy dog, and as Finlay High’s star defensive lineman, he has no trouble blocking my lunges.

“Give it back!” I demand.

He chuckles like it’s a sick game, stopping in his tracks and flipping my notebook out in front of me. My fingertips brush past the cover as he lifts it out of my reach again.

If Victor wasn’t so big I’d kick his shins in. Instead, I wrap both my hands around his mega bicep and pull down as hard as I can. Victor just grins and heads right for Tanner, my body dangling like a flimsy paperdoll.

We reach him huddled beside his Jeep with his buddies, looking oh-so-cool in his black skater tee. They gawk at us as we approach.

I let go of Victor’s arm and drop to the ground.

“Hey, Tanner, what’s up, my man?” Victor holds up a hand, waiting for contact.

Tanner slaps Victor’s hand in his friendly guy way and flips his chin-length sandy hair to the side. “What’s up, bro?”

“Just stumbled across some interesting info, thought you’d like to know. It’s about Pinks here …”

Trying to be sly, I reach for the notebook again.

Victor blocks me with ease, flipping the notebook from under his arm and handing it to Tanner.

Tanner glances at me, his face baffled.


  1. I like this opening. From what it is leading to, I'm guessing she says she likes Tanner and thinks he is goodlooking and other embarrassing teenage things in the diary.

    The only thing I might change is this sentence...

    If Victor wasn’t so big I’d kick him in the shins.

  2. For some reason, I keep reading this as if "Pinks" is a nerdy boy. If I do force myself to make her a girl, then it reads much much better. Perhaps some clue in the beginning to establish the gender right away would help weirdos like me.

    Otherwise it's good!

  3. There is something about this that I don't like and I can't quite put my finger on it. Firstly, I have never like present tense writing. I don't care if it is 1st person or 3rd, but it reads so... so... something. Grates against my reader eyes. There is a lot of tell going on in these opening sentences. I think I would like to feel a little distress, some freaking out and frustration. You could really do some emotional damage.