Sunday, March 20, 2011

Submission #3

Name: Angela

Title: Envy (YA)

First 250 Words:
“You have got to be kidding me,” I whined to the tall mirror, pushing aside my bangs and squishing my face even closer to the glass just to verify what I saw. Sure enough, smack in the middle of my forehead, right between my eyebrows was the faintest indications of an oncoming breakout. And on my first day of senior year and at a new school no less. To be honest it formed a little line and what looked like a tilted L, slanting downward and pointing at my nose.

Now I wasn’t usually vain or the type to flip out because I got one measly pimple, but it would have been nice to start my new school with a sparkling, fresh face. It was already bad enough that I was starting after the semester had at a teensy private high school where the student body totaled just under two-hundred. But it didn’t matter how many kids attended the school because there was this whole issue with me being socially retarded. L for loser.

The uniforms weren’t terrible. My skirt was blue plaid and fell just above my knees and I had to pair it with a navy blue sweater vest that was made of something akin to wool and would have been massively scratchy if not for the capped-sleeve polo underneath. Thankfully, they didn’t expect us to wear knee-socks and saddle shoes. I don’t know of anybody who could rock that look and pull it off, but otherwise the look was complete prep-school cliché.


  1. You do a great job of developing this character. Fantastic really. I also love how you go back to the L shapped pimple. It makes me think that you are a very thoughtful writer and I can expect a complete, near air-tight story from you.

    The only thing I did't think worked well was having her "whine" in the beginning. It took a while for me to come back after that. It made her seem more of a brat than a cynical punkish rocker chick.

    But good work

  2. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. I've been scolded by my Lit teacher for using "whine". She says that "said" would work better and make Envy her seem like less of a brat.

  3. The break out forming an L made me laugh out loud! Nice teen voice, but you have a few problems. The flow of grammar and verb usage is way off. Read out loud your opening paragraphs and you will see what I mean (middle of para #2 especially).

    Kudos for recreating the first day of my junior year. Nightmare.

  4. Thank you, Alyson. I agree wholeheartedly. My instrustor actually said something along the same lines and encouraged me to rewrite the beginning. I pouted a little, at first, but now it's so much better and opens right up with lots of action.