As promised, here is a second attempt at my query. I really hope this procedure might help others (and me) to see the development of a query from ground zero...see post below...to this one and possibly to others as it develops.
So please leave comments for everyone to see, so that we can help each other out.
Please note, this is just the body. Every query will be personalized to the agent.
Dear Wonderous Agent X,
Normal does not describe Ellyssa. She is superior, a picture of perfection. Genetically engineered to be faster, stronger, more intelligent, and emotionless. Not to mention, she’s a telepath. One of the few lethal soldiers of tomorrow.
But when she crosses paths with a dark-haired prisoner, the only world she's ever known, a world built around the concept of Aryan purity, crumbles. He speaks to her, not vocally, but in her mind. An inconceivable possibility according to her indoctrination.
Unable to resist the allure of his unspoken words, Ellyssa finds herself in turmoil, feeling emotions and running away from her life. What’s worse is she doesn’t even understand why.
PERFECTION is a young-adult, dystopian fantasy complete at 100,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Everyone is welcome to visit and stay for the fun. Author of PERFECTION, release date July 16, 2013, and FLAWED release date August 12, 2014. Published by Spencer Hill Press.
I think you might have over-used the comma a bit, but that is only my personal taste. Just a little (...) or (:) and even (--) could give your statements more impact and draw the eye to key points. It otherwise sounds very exciting: very alluring word choices :)
ReplyDeleteThe concept comes across well, and I think it's an interesting one. I agree with h.lee that this would be better:
ReplyDelete"When she crosses paths with a dark-haired prisoner, the only world she's ever known--a world built around the concept of Aryan purity--crumbles."
Otherwise, that sentence is a little awkward, in my opinion.
I would be tempted to ask for more. I'd take out the word "when" and work with it some more. A few short, clean, and powerful sentences would be fine. Her world crumbles is a little cliche and a little too vague, whereas something like this would be more compelling: If she follows him to ___, ____ may be the consequences. I like it when we see what's at stake, and you can tell something without giving it all away.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of giving it all away, it was very risky putting this out here. Best of luck.