As promised...
After much: writing, revisions, critiques, revisions, whining, revisions, crying, revisions, I have included my final query for you all to view. Please leave a comment whether you like it or not. I'm interested in your opinions.
If you are interested in seeing the first ones, they are listed somewhere below. Scroll down and you'll see them. :)
Dear Super Agent,
Based upon the concept of Aryan purity, Ellyssa is genetically engineered to be the perfect soldier: stronger, intelligent, unemotional, and telepathic. Her purpose? To eradicate inferior beings. A task she's spent her whole life training and conditioning for under the strict guidance of her creator.
Then she runs into the epitome of inferiority--a dark-haired renegade. He speaks to her by pushing his thoughts of a place she's never visited into her mind. An inconceivable possibility since she is the one who usually does the psychic picking. Not only that, but he's clearly not from her society. A substandard person who should not possess such an extraordinary gift.
Yet he does, and his unspoken words initiate a catalyst. Ellyssa finds herself questioning her indoctrination and, even worse, feeling emotions. Confused and afraid her creator will discover her mental breakdown Ellyssa runs away from her life and embarks on a journey that leads to the realization there is more to her than what she was bred to be.
Unfortunately, her creator has other plans.
PERFECTION is a young-adult dystopian complete at 99,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Everyone is welcome to visit and stay for the fun. Author of PERFECTION, release date July 16, 2013, and FLAWED release date August 12, 2014. Published by Spencer Hill Press.
me likey! sounds super-interesting--good luck!!! :o)
ReplyDeleteI think that it's great so far! But I'd add a paragraph about yourself at the end and a paragraph at the beginning about why you're querying that particular agent (show that you did your research). But what you've got is great, really well-written! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat query letter! I'm sure it will get some requests.
ReplyDeleteNote...each query letter will be personalized to the agents. Above is just the body. I wanted to share with you the finished product after posting my first queries.
ReplyDeleteThe person that really helped me is from the blog..Angels, Demons, and Portals. Oh my!!
She has a query help..I suggest all go there.
I agree with Kelly (which I know you'd already planned to do) but definitely move the name of the book and its target audience up to the opening paragraph, too, if you hadn't already planned it. Otherwise, compelling story described very well in query-length.
ReplyDeleteEbyss:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to read this book. It sounds super amazing. Secondly, the second paragraph reads kind of awkward - but that is just my opinion. Especially the line "He speaks to her by pushing his thoughts of a place she's never visited into her mind." I had to read it a couple of times to understand what you were trying to say.
Of course, my opinions. :)
I think you've got a strong letter here:) Sounds like an interesting read for sure.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bethany, it is a compelling story idea.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that the second sentence in your second paragraph is awkward.
Also, the story length may be an issue for you. YA usually requires lower word count, especially for a first novel. I don't think that will kill you, IF your query letter is pristine and IF your first 5 pages are perfection. (and IF the rest of the book is perfection)
Good luck! :)
~Lola