tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post2073390182927982141..comments2024-03-27T02:20:51.751-05:00Comments on J.L. Spelbring: Submission #5Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-76754551518812360952011-04-06T04:43:19.825-05:002011-04-06T04:43:19.825-05:00Thanks for your comments everyone! :)Thanks for your comments everyone! :)Pip Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02141472079095619099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-89495399856640805602011-04-05T09:47:31.428-05:002011-04-05T09:47:31.428-05:00This is interesting. You need to watch your exces...This is interesting. You need to watch your excess descriptive words. You can pack a more powerful punch by cleaning it up a little. For example you have: With each jagged breath he sought to shift his focus from the aching ribs that he was sure must be broken, making every movement a torture and a struggle.<br /><br />I suggest: With each jagged breath he fought to shift his focus from his aching broken ribs, making movement a self inflicted torture.<br /><br />See how I weeded out the sure, must, struggle? You can pack a real punch by taking out the adverbs and the emotion screams on the page. A great way to avoid excess adverbs is to read your writing out loud.Alyson Petersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-90282669985402420442011-03-24T14:22:03.171-05:002011-03-24T14:22:03.171-05:00This is a piece with nice opening tension. "J...This is a piece with nice opening tension. "Jagged breath," "every movement a torture," "a draft of smoky air" are particularly descriptive for me. I did find "gritted" a little less successful, in that my first thought was "is that a word?" even though I like seeing words used in unexpected ways. Others might be fine with it. The rest of the narrative moves very well to the final paragraph in the segment.Kim Batchelorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13706206136308395706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-7926494114228669712011-03-22T12:29:38.060-05:002011-03-22T12:29:38.060-05:00I'm with Logan..... I'm intrigued.I'm with Logan..... I'm intrigued.~~Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04992829932505916057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-85663778325157334062011-03-21T21:07:15.521-05:002011-03-21T21:07:15.521-05:00This is intense and dark in all the right ways. Mo...This is intense and dark in all the right ways. More please!Logan E. Turnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06468248031164464546noreply@blogger.com