tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post1964028143742220793..comments2024-03-27T02:20:51.751-05:00Comments on J.L. Spelbring: Submission # 13Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-69296388009509920782011-04-05T10:28:35.691-05:002011-04-05T10:28:35.691-05:00I won't repeat what S.L. Bynum said, but heed ...I won't repeat what S.L. Bynum said, but heed his (or her) words!! Watch those adjectives. Don't lose all of them, but clean up a few for a stronger punch.<br /><br />Creepy!Alyson Petersonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-55017169209330861982011-03-27T12:54:35.948-05:002011-03-27T12:54:35.948-05:00I love how this beginning drew me in and had me wa...I love how this beginning drew me in and had me wanting to know what was going on with the character.<br /><br />I don't think you need to use so many adjectives. For example, you have 'clean glacial' water, 'gentle' whisper, 'icy' water. Instead of keep saying that the water is cold, you could say his hands stung from the iciness of the water.Shanika L. Bynumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18212374073199005198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-42840693575429653642011-03-24T14:33:25.767-05:002011-03-24T14:33:25.767-05:00There is some very visceral imagery here. The writ...There is some very visceral imagery here. The writing certainly creates a scene that sets up a compelling story. There are several things that are distracting to me. First is where his hands are--washing, touching the rock, dipped in the water, picking up the shirt. It reminds me of the challenge of moving people through scenes: get up, walk to here, etc. <br /><br />Another is "the cold freeing his eyes from their frozen state." The logic of my world is that cold makes things more frozen or actually keeps things from thawing.<br /><br />And in the last paragraph, do you intend to convey that the bread is being backed outside the huts? Is it something external that lures them? I got a little confused as I expect that the bread would be baked inside of huts and the smell wafts outside. Fredrick could clarify this, and I suggest you consider using him in this way if your intent is the former; i.e., he also reacts to the smell of the bread and gives the reader a clue as to what's going on.Kim Batchelorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13706206136308395706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-65989467717907527042011-03-22T08:47:03.504-05:002011-03-22T08:47:03.504-05:00I like the opening very well. I always thought th...I like the opening very well. I always thought the best thing to an opening of a story is getting the reader to want to find out what is going on. I want to know.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.com