tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post1600654745538060154..comments2024-03-27T02:20:51.751-05:00Comments on J.L. Spelbring: Entry 11 Susan OloierAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-30359923334017084652011-07-15T14:40:39.580-05:002011-07-15T14:40:39.580-05:00I agree with the others that your pitch is not gra...I agree with the others that your pitch is not grabbing, I also wanted to know who Trina was, maybe you can say "get even with the one who wronged her" or something like that instead of the specific name because in this short pitch we already have three characters.<br /><br />You have a nice way of describing and using metaphors but I think that there's a bit too much description going on and some of it can be whittled down so more actual story can come through.A.J. Lockehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08514343224203400113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-33964756088052522142011-07-14T23:02:37.682-05:002011-07-14T23:02:37.682-05:00The writing is beautiful and fluid and very evocat...The writing is beautiful and fluid and very evocative, but the pitch didn't grab me at all. I got no idea about the story or the characters from it.<br /><br />At this stage, I'd read on because the writing is gorgeous, but if I was picking this up in a bookstore and read this pitch, I wouldn't buy the book.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-61316155693065918562011-07-14T17:34:55.329-05:002011-07-14T17:34:55.329-05:00I have to agree with Lydia when it comes to your p...I have to agree with Lydia when it comes to your pitch. As it is written it is very interesting and makes me want to read more. However, what you have written leaves me confused becuase it doesn't delve right into the "meat" of the story. But I love your descriptions. You paint a visual that is immediate. I'd like to read more!Sherry Augerhttp://www.sherryauger.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-6814905842159592192011-07-14T11:20:27.614-05:002011-07-14T11:20:27.614-05:00The pitch leaves me confused. Who is Trina? Why is...The pitch leaves me confused. Who is Trina? Why is she important enough to be in the pitch? Maybe say "get even with her enemy or something" There are too many names and not enough about why they are important.<br /><br />Your writing flowed well and kept me reading. I would do as Lydia suggested. Then I think you're good to go!A. J. Spindlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08963966269707893895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8526683900253948041.post-56676898209049426672011-07-13T09:46:18.041-05:002011-07-13T09:46:18.041-05:00Hi, Susan!
I can get a sense of (maybe) what this...Hi, Susan!<br /><br />I can get a sense of (maybe) what this story is about from your title and pitch, but I think you can expand on that pitch. Make it more clear -- what did Trina do to make Noelle want revenge? If you can keep it succinct, I think that will make your pitch a bit more enticing.<br /><br />Absolutely LOVE your second sentence.<br /><br />I also really enjoyed your 250-word snippet. Your writing has a nice fluidity to it. The only thing I would change is the order of the second and third paragraphs. It seems like the third paragraph should come *before* the second.<br /><br />At the beginning of the second paragraph, the viewpoint character is running. I imagine her running outside. Which is fine. But then the beginning of paragraph three kind of goes backwards in time a bit to right before she left the house... and then she's outside running again. I think that would read more smoothly if you reversed those two paragraphs.<br /><br />Other than that, it's beautiful, and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with this! :DLydia Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15328254761920829040noreply@blogger.com